Today is a good day! I'm quite fond of good days...they aren't guaranteed after all. I am starving tho. I'm not to the point of chewing the varnish off the desk yet, so that's a plus. Food, my best frenemy, and I are at war, once again. I decided I could no longer deny it after riding 5 hours in a truck with Josh to pick up a backhoe Sunday afternoon. I simply sat there but I was miserably uncomfortable in my quite tight, usta be "loose" jeans. What the heck happened....again. Coulda been the nachos, enchiladas even, spinach ravioli?, apple fritters, Carmel Milky Way, fish tacos!, chicken lo mein...any one of these but more likely all of them over the past two weeks has put my waistline in the squeezed position its now in. I'm beginning to think it's no longer the food that is out to get me, but my own hands. They are responsible for shoveling it all in...
There are days, such as Monday, when I wonder if I'll ever EVER gain the ground I need. I have since spent my days on the Medifast regime, trying to regain some control instead of inches. Third day in and I'm feeling somewhat better but certainly not 10 pounds lighter and really, all I want is to eat something. I've made certain this office is void of anything I could ruin myself with and since the closest place to purchase any contraband is at least a mile away, I may be safe (depends...what is the calorie content of varnish, anyhow?). The little packet of dehydrated chicken noodle soup in my purse is beginning to sound quite tasty.
All I keep thinking is, "It's happening again...it has begun." The damn cycle I can't seem to stop living. While I was trying desperately to carve out a new path around this mountain, I somehow slipped back into the worn rut I've been walking for most of my life. It's ridiculous, it's insanity, and it absolutely consumes most of my thoughts.
I've decided that insecurity is still vanity...that just because I'm looking at myself in disgust and I'm ashamed of myself does NOT mean I'm not still focused on ME for most of my days. Quite a revelation. When I've hit a point where I'm directing my days and planning around not being noticed because people will see that I've gained some weight back, when I don't want my own husband to look at me, much less touch me, when I'm hateful to my kids because I'm unhappy with the way my clothes fit today, when I don't speak to friends because I'm ashamed for them to see me this way, when I'm walking around with my head down...whoa! I'm a little consumed with my appearance and other people's perception of me, I think that's safe to say. Sad, that what people think really matters that much to me even tho I proclaim it does NOT.
And really, I say I want to be "healthy", that I want to change my life to get healthy, but the truth is, I just want to be thin. Thin enough to wear whatever I want and not tug at it all day because I'm self conscious about the way it's sticking to the fat, thin enough to feel beautiful, thin enough to finally wear short hair, thin enough to be sure that even if Josh were to leave me one day, I'd be able to find another man (see? insanity!), thin enough to be all I ever wanted to be but couldn't be cuz I've always been fat. But here's the catch, I don't really want it bad enough to never touch another doughnut or to make more than a momentary commitment to a treadmill. Give me the best of both worlds, please, because I WANT it.
I have to giggle when I think of the proverbial, "You want your cake and to eat it too!". YES! Yes, give me my "thinness" but let me EAT too. My prayer, "Lord! Just give me a do-over, let me wake up a size 7 tomorrow and I PROMISE, I'll stop overeating, I'll never be fat again!" LOL...cuz if I don't, I'll cry instead.
But like I started out saying, today is a good day and today, I have Hope so I think I'll leave it at that. For today. ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment