I was given a good reminder last night of why you should really think about what you say and even after you've thought about it, you should really decide if it needs to be said at all. (Are there enough "really"s in there to stress my point??) Let's see, words can be: twisted, misunderstood, misrepresented, misconstrued, misinterpreted, embellished, you name it. If it can go wrong, it will. But wait! It gets even better; beyond the normal miscommunication problems of life, you've got "pot stirrers" to deal with; those individuals in the world who are just not happy unless they are causing strife for someone else. What I released as (admittedly) careless talk ended up being someone else's malicious ammunition. It's now been nearly a year since a young lady has spoken to me after a pretty explosive confrontation about what she was told I had said about her. I saw her last night for the first time since the "ordeal"...scratch that, she saw ME for the first time since then. I've seen her once, but I stayed back. Sometimes in not knowing how to fix what's gone so horribly wrong, I avoid the situation totally. (I never once claimed to be brave.) But, there she was, there I was and there was no denying we'd seen each other but still, I was at a loss on how to deal.
What was told to her went beyond twisted embellishment, it was an all out lie, plain and simple. And although, I do feel that I owe this girl an apology for the part I played in hurting her by even opening my mouth to begin with, I did NOT say the things she accused me of saying. Quite honestly, I am offended by the accusation but even more so by her blatant refusal to even hear the truth and well, when I get offended (translation: when my feelings get stomped on) I tend to take a Stonehenge position. I will not bend, sway, or even budge to try to make things right. I have a stubborn streak that is at least a mile wide. Unfortunately, my daughter has inherited it. She was ready to deal last night, once and for all....with fists....at church. This stupid thing has affected my entire family and it brings out some less than admirable behavior.
I had decided that if our paths crossed on my way back out to my car, I was going to simply tell her that I was sorry and leave it at that. I lost her in the crowd of people, I even walked back thru one more time looking for her...I never saw her again. I still don't know how to make things right. I don't even know if I can make things right at this point. What I want to know is why it bothers me so badly that things aren't right. I tried, I told the truth. Does my responsibility end there or DO I owe her an apology for even saying what I did say, even if it was said innocently? Had I never said it at all, this mess would never have happened. Relationships...who needs em anyway??? :)
I dunno...truth is, I'd do anything to make things right because that's just how I am. I hate hurting people's feelings...okay, unless I'm in a fit of rage then I usually don't hate hurting anyone until the next day or so. Typically tho, it tears me up until I've made things right, even if it requires jumping thru flaming hoops or my own butt. I'm thinkin', tho, this is where I learn that sometimes, you just can't make things okay again. There are two minds, two wills, and two sets of emotions involved here and I can't make her decide to believe me or forgive me for hurting her and that's that. So, I give....for now anyway. Life just gets way too complicated when people are involved.
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