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Tracker, music, and food!

Allergy season has kicked off...my little one is waking up with his eyes glued completely shut, once again. A couple of years ago, on such a morning, he could only get one eye to open. Now, Tracker is not a morning person...in any way, shape, or form...he's awful. Cranky, hateful...ugh. I stand over him, watch him sleeping, and sigh deeply before I begin the process of getting him onto his feet. It's just that bad. So on this morning, when he couldn't get his eye to open he began screaming, "I can't SEE, I can't SEE...MOM, my EYE isn't WORKING!". And well, I got tickled and couldn't quit laughing...just added to his fury. "It's NOT funny...I CANT SEEEEEEE!". I laugh even now...he got so mad at me, he lunged to take me out and his eye popped open. He calmed right down once he could see with both eyes. I don't know what set of my genes mingled just right with Josh's to create that child, but I'm glad we only did it once. I'd never survived if they all three were this way. Tracker has got to be the only person in the world who can reduce me to tears of fury and frustration one minute and then, once he's realized he's pushed to the very edge of my limit, morph into the most loving little thing ever. He's one of a kind...thank goodness.

Should have the flyers for the concert in my hands by tomorrow. Then begins phase two of the process....finding donors. This is a task I never look forward to. I don't know why it bothers me so bad to be turned down...but it DOES. It hits me in a personal way, hits every rejection button I have and there's no doubt, I will find some no's in my journeys. All part of the process...breaking me out of my "dancing for quarters", people pleasing ways. Sort of like tempering steel, I reckon...it's gotta go thru fire before it's ready. This is an area where I wish I were my little sister...she just don't give a damn. Never has...like her or leave her..she's goin on. I've always admired people who can shrug it all off and carry on. Maybe one day I'll get to the bottom of why what other people think affects me so much....

I'm on my final week of phase one of this eating makeover too...then I have 3 weeks of an Atkins/Southbeach type thing...hopefully, I don't have to repeat the cycle after that. They say, after this 9 weeks, my hypothalumus will be "reset". Whatever that means. I just hope it happens!! The pounds aren't coming off as fast as the inches and that's something I've never understood but I just go with it. If I focused on those scales every day and the fact that they're NOT moving nearly fast enough, I'm afraid I'd be in a hopeless state of depression. Screw that...it's too nice outside for depression! A new season...at long last!

I'm too scared to say spring has arrived...

So, I ended up taking the remainder of Spring Break off. The Spring Break that ended with a foot of snow on the ground. I don't remember the last time I saw a winter like this one down here....was more customary of Nebraska and Colorado winters! Maybe, maybe, maybe we are summer bound now. I'm normally a cloudy kinda girl, comfortable with stormy, cold weather...but I've had ENOUGH already.

I'm still trudging along....got two weeks of this damn restrictive diet left before I enter a new phase of restrictions. Not that it stopped me from shoving a couple of forkfuls of chocolate cake in my face last nite....really big forkfuls too. Was it worth it? Totally. Why is it that certain foods sooth my troubled soul???? I've maybe lost two more pounds..and that was BEFORE the chocolate encounter. Perhaps I need to direct my focus LESS on the scales and more toward learning to eat better, responsibly even. I can't help it tho...I always turn it into a diet. If one were to flip back thru my journals for the past 17 years (I only flipped thru the past six years), it would be found that, "I'm fat", "I need to lose weight", "I hate the way I look", is the resounding theme thru the years. I'm thinkin' this borders on obsession, no?? Auuuggghhh!! Whatever. ONWARD, I say.

I learned a week ago that my concert is going to coincide with a benefit concert's date. Two huge events in Poteau in one night....Poteau's just not that big. So, we are working to merge the events which should be a good thing for all involved. I hope we drag in fistfulls of money for Whitney, a 20 year old with a brain tumor. I'm so excited, I can barely stand myself. I love stuff like this. Life makes sense to me when I'm helping others. Honestly, it HELPS me to help others. It causes me to look at everything I think is wrong in my world and just say, "to hell with it all", dive in head first and use the energy I spend whining in a more constructive manner. Makes me grateful for my life....and all the beautiful people in it. I love, love, LOVE my friends and family. I just wish I was closer to some and that there were more hours in the day and days in the year. Nothing is ever as bad when you have people to help you thru, is it?

Somehow, I lost my weekend.

First day of the kids' Spring Break and I'm stuck inside this office. It's gorgeous outside, too. Figures. I'm ready for a new season!! I love winter, but this one has worn out its welcome!! The time change is not kickin' my butt yet, but I can feel it comin' on. Josh and I had our yearly discussion, right on cue. We both have different and opposing views of what the change in the time actually does for the light in our day. And in all these years, it has never failed for us to argue the point back and forth on the Saturday that it takes place. Nowdays tho, we realize we're doing it again and laugh. We may be growing up.... :) I'm not nearly as resilient with the schedule changes as I once was and it starting to show. Matthew Lee (the son I nearly look up to now) came up behind me yesterday and said, "Gosh, Mom...you gotta a LOTTA grey hair...". Thanks, Son, thanks...now pat yourself on the back, you caused a few of them. This tells me it's time to visit my hair magician again. One of these days, perhaps, I'll go grey gracefully. But, not today...and not in the near future either.

My weekend flew by, as always. I just realized I didn't even sit on my couch once in two days. When did life begin to go so fast? Josh got me outta bed long before the crack of dawn Saturday morning. Getting up early and hitting Walmart sounded like a fabulous idea Friday night, when I was wide awake. I wasn't so eager at 5 am tho. He is an early bird, early to bed, early to rise, and I'm the night owl who likes to sleep in. I'm continually bugging him to stay up with me and he's always trying to roust me out of the bed. I hope we find middle ground someday. I made it and it was nice to get all that weekly garbage out of the way by 9:00. It was peaceful, even. We got to eat breakfast without the interruption of 19 different conversations goin on. I asked him when our dates had become grocery shopping and breakfast instead of dinner and a movie. What's up with that??? Yeah, we can handle that peace & quiet stuff for about 3 hours at a time....then we miss the chaos that comes with being the parents of three brats.

Gramma's funeral went well...never fails, tho, for there to be some family mess that makes its way into these types of things. One of these days, maybe, we'll all put aside our differences and realize that none of it matters anyway. Not really. But, I didn't find myself exactly running to make amends with the ones I have issues with so I guess that day will be a ways off still. Family! Guess you can't help but have some problems when you've got this many people involved. My sister put together a slide show...it was awesome, all those memories compiled into five minutes. Of course, I bawled. I'd done so well up to that point. It just hurts to know those are times that will never be again.

I'm still shy a stage for the concert but the contract goes in today. People are beginning to hear about it and some are grabbing the vision I have for this thing. I'm so excited....been almost holding my breath, afraid it would all fall thru. So far, so good.

It's gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiny day!

These fridays are gettin closer and closer together, I think. My gramma died Wednesday. I'm happy that she's no longer wasting away in a hospital bed, confined to a body that wouldn't cooperate any more, but sad that's she's no longer here. Really, tho, she ceased being with us long ago....my heart breaks thinking about it. The good times we had with her will live on. I love it when the cousins all get together to tell our "granny" tales....she truly was somethin' else! She could wield a flyswatter like no other. ☻Her funeral will be tomorrow at the old schoolhouse in good ol' Bengal, America, (her hometown) with a feast to beat all feasts afterward, wouldn't ya know! I'm skippin that part with all it's pies and casseroles. Figure I'm safer that way and I KNOW all that food is safer that way!

Attended parent/teacher conferences last nite for Tracker and Taylor. Interesting to walk thru the halls of one of the many schools I attended for the first time since I was 17. Brought back lots of memories. Three of my teachers are even still there. Funny how you can almost teleport back to the teenage years when you step into those places...I kept reminding myself..."I'm 32 now, I'm 32 now. It's okay if I address the teacher by her first name instead of Mrs. Brown. "

I'm always afraid to speak too soon for fear I'll jinx something but I found a building!! Yay! After many, MANY no's...some from the same people..more than once, I finally got a yes. Thank goodness. I was feelin a little discouraged to say the least. Plenty of room for bodies and cars. Now, for a stage since all the buildings WITH stages were on the NO list. Who knew there was so much to this? I've still not ruled out a great big flat bed trailer!! A rock band and an ag building with a flat bed trailer stage... combination perfecto! People are starting to get excited and I've lost track of how many days I've got left to pull everything together. How do people plan more than one event at a time? I really thought I'd love being a wedding planner but I'm learning that these things require organizational skills that I just do not possess!! Everyday it's something new but I can't wait to wake up everyday and see what the something new is. Things are definitely looking up and I couldn't be more grateful!

The Countdown Continues...

First of all, let me just say that I HATE oranges with seeds! How did I end up with a huge bag of seedful oranges??? I bet there were 20 seeds in the one I just ate. It's comparable to my day...it's been pretty good except for the 20 or so "seeds" I keep having to spit out. Ugh.

The civic center is most definately a no go. I'm feelin pretty discouraged at the moment (hence, the orange...the food strikes back). So, I'm on day THREE of still having no set location and it's wearing on my nerves. I woke up in the middle of the night last nite, remembered and it took me a good 30 minutes to get myself calm and back to sleep.

I put in a second round of calls about the building at the fairgrounds and I'm going to be filling out a "Request to Use Facility" form later this evening for the gym and football field. I love forms and all their various names....there's a form for everything anymore and you don't have to guess what the form does for you. It's all right there in the title.

On the flip side of things, I had a blast at the donkey ball game last nite. Whoever thought of playing basketball from the back side of a bucking donkey anyway? I did feel sorry for the teachers gettin tossed onto the floor. I don't imagine I'd be able to get my butt outta bed the next day if I had taken some of those spills. But then again, I'd never gotten my butt up on the donkey to begin with. Good, cheap entertainment. Maybe Taylor will play next year. Maybe they'll do parents vs. the kids and I can volunteer Josh for donkey duty!

And there goes Tuesday...

Auuuggghhhh!!!!!! I just received a contract and a 16 page rider from the band. WHOA! Am I ready for this? Geeze....I just never knew. I'll never walk into a concert and not shake the hands of whoever set it all up again. Especially the free ones. Holy cow. I'm in for a ride, that's for sure. But, the harder it is to accomplish, the more fun it ends up being, right?

I've had at least 3 panic attacks today and know I've screamed, "You idiot, WHAT were you thinking??" at myself (from inside the head) twice. The search for the venue is still on even while the contract sits in my inbox waiting to be printed, signed, and mailed away with a deposit check. The owner of the Rock Garage has kindly donated its use to me and I'm completely and totally thrilled with that. But I have this nagging feeling that it's just not BIG enough. My initial call to the local civic center found no happy calendar slot open on my day but after some wise counsel, I picked the phone back up and pushed a little harder to get my foot in the door. I shall have my final answer by tomorrow afternoon. I'm tellin' ya...I've hit so much rejection today that if I were still the girl I was 10 years ago..somebody would be diggin' me out of my closet this evening. I'm gettin' this fear worked right out of me. The hard way.

I'm finding that those I assumed would be most supportive thru out the community are pretty much looking at me as tho I've suddenly sprouted another head and that IT has come up with the hairbrained idea of throwing together an event that typically takes months to pull off...in 47 days. Well, 45 after today. Oh well, it's do or die now so unless somebody shoots me this thing is moving forward if I have to have it in my own front yard on a flat bed trailer. So there.

Fight the food is going remarkably well.....but I fear, once again, it's only becuz I'm peaking out in the stress department. All my bad habits are gonna try to sneak their way in again, one little Hershey kiss at a time, I just know it. As of this morning, I'm officially down ten pounds. Hey, that's an entire sack of potatoes. If I gotta feel like I'm starving, I want the comfort of knowing that all the while I was walking into the kitchen only to turn around & leave disappointed & still hungry (and most importantly, without chocolate), I left a bag of potatoes somewhere along the way! ☺ Three more of those suckers and I'll be a happy camper.

A Shiny Monday....Finally!

I can't say it enough! This Monday has totally rocked...so not typical of my Mondays. The past weeks have been so dim but like the song says, "You gotta face the clouds to find the silver lining". FINALLY!! It's found me, the silver is shining thru!

Seventh Day Slumber is my favorite band for so many reasons...but they completely won my heart at a benefit concert for a pregnancy crisis center last year♥♥. They were requesting bookings for April and May on Facebook last week and well, I had to take a shot in the dark...just couldn't' resist. So, I held my breath, typed an email, and hit send. I got the green light from the leadership at the church I attend to throw a county wide youth concert yesterday all the while hoping and praying the band would respond and still have dates available. Well, first thing this morning, there sat the YES in my little inbox...I coulda just cried. I did do a little freak out dance...

So, of course, I'm way psyched...but terrified all at the same time. The venue, the advertising, the MONEY, the tickets, the opening bands...holy cow....there's a lot to this. And if I screw it all up, it's gonna be quite the public screw up....But I'm STILL psyched...just like a kid on Christmas morning! I can't wait...but I kinda need time to pass really SLOWLY. (Prayers, again, send 'em my way.) Such good news in the midst of some serious crap goin' on. I so needed this ray of sunshine in my life! I can plunge back into the depths by tomorrow morning, I've well learned by now, so I'm gonna hang onto the high for as long as I can....

My eating habits are coming along...I still grab before I think but at least I'm not getting things all the way into my mouth for now. That's a step forward. I've been in such a slump that I've gone the other direction on the emotional eating part of this....I pretty much just want to smoke now days....doing my best to resist. They smell so good when you want to smoke and so BAD when you want to quit!!

Another week bites the dust!

Wow! I can't believe it's already Friday again. My world spins faster and faster these days. I've had a week from hell, to put it lightly but things are on the upswing again. I am ecstatic that it's finally coming to an end, however. Ah, this roller coaster called Life! I know I'm not alone when I say, "If it's not one thing, it's a dozen others." Well, this week, I'd have settled for the one thing.

Without going into a lot of detail, I will just say that I'm getting my eyes opened to the reality, harsh reality, of the world my kids are growing up in, and the total messed UPness of the public school system. Now, I know we all hear every generation before us say, "things are so much worse than they were when I was a kid", but I'm here to tell ya, things really are so much worse than they were when I was a kid. Perhaps the same sorts of things went on, but not to the magnitude I'm seeing these days. It's wild, it's alarming, it's down right frightening, and as I'm discovering, can leave ya feelin' pretty hopeless at times. But, sticking my head in the sand just won't work. I've got a fight on my hands but I hope that my opposition understands that they've got a fight on their hands. Any prayers anyone wants to wing my direction are greatly coveted!!!Enough of that, for now...

Operation Defeat the Food is going fairly well, I'm proud to say. But I have to wonder if I've just hit that level of stress where I don't eat. What a twisted little web I have woven up here in this head! :) I am down some pounds and some inches....thrilled about that but not thrilled that I don't have a belt and my jeans just don't stay put. Am I the ONLY one who HATES the way they make jeans these days?????? I take two steps and have to jack my jeans up, take two more and jack em up again. Ugh! I'd wear good ol Rocky Mountain jeans again if I wasn't afraid my kids and all my friends would completely disown me! Two weeks of food "boot camp" down....four more to go.

I had to work until noon last Saturday. Josh and I divided to conquer....the teenagers came with me to knock getting groceries off the To Do list after work, and Josh volunteered hair cut duty for Tracker. At 10:30 am, Josh marched into my office with one of those grins on his face, Tracker was close behind, sporting his brand new Mohawk and holding a brand new puppy.
I'd rather him have seen a triple Mohawk in red, white, and blue on his head than to have seen that puppy. A Sale Barn Special...completely and totally free. Lucky me. I swear, they're worse than a newborn baby and I promised both Tracker AND his daddy that I'd have nothing to do with it! Not ONE thing. Yet, it was me who was out in the cold, retrieving the whining thing in the middle of the night and it was me, again, who spent the rest of the night on the love seat with a cricked neck and a very content, brand new puppy.