Never A Damsel in Distress

I witnessed a sight this morning that made me smile. I may be the only one it made smile but that's alright; I understand myself and we get along pretty good, most days. I pulled up to get some gas and this truck whipped it in beside me in front of another truck, lurched to a screeching halt 'bout half an inch from its front bumper and out popped a skinny little blond girl and her cigarette. Not much more than 16, barely legal to drive, she had her pants all tucked in to her Fat Baby boots and of course, she sported a hood with the fur and plenty of black eyeliner. She flicked that cigarette to the ground and jerked up the hood on the truck she'd pulled in front of, out of which popped a matching girl, boots, fur, and all....only she was brunette and had no cigarette. I watched them while I pumped my gas. Blondie was obviously in charge and Brownie was jumpin to her every command. "Start it! No! Don't let it die. Here, move. Let me do it." :) It so warmed my heart I almost laughed and cried at the same time. This little thing, who to me, looked like someone could break her in half by thumpin' her once real hard, was one tough cookie. They reminded me of myself, my little sister and some of the girls I knew in school. Those of us who had it a little harder than some and who'd had to grow up fast by necessity. We learned early to take care of ourselves and of each other cuz wasn't anyone else gonna do it for us. If I had car trouble...it wasn't my dad I called on...I didn't have one to call on. I called on my friends, an earlier generation of pretty, but extremely tough cookies. Our outer shell may have differed from these two I was watching; we didn't have those cute, fur lined hoods and super tread boots, didn't have as much eyeliner, but the filling was the same: hardened by life but still soft enough to help a friend in need. I stood by as they tried and tried to start that truck, watching without letting them know I was watching and then finally, I offered my help which Blondie immediately refused. But then, I knew she would. :)

And then...I fell down.

I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving day. I woke up yesterday morning with violent tendencies and nearly had a crying fit tryin' to get out the door on time with all my goodies in tow. I was 15 minutes later than I should have been but still was there in plenty of time. Little prayer and some time with my people and all was right with the world again. There was a heck of a turnout at the dinner and the food was fabulous! I'm not much of a turkey fan, but man, I could live on Rebecca's green beans and mashed potatoes. A lady brought a buttermilk cheesecake...excellent! There were no leftovers to have to deal with so I don't have to worry about coming up with ingenious recipes that turn turkey into anything but turkey! The school cafeteria has officially ruined me...I've no desire to cook & clean anywhere else ever again. My only complaint is that time didn't stop or even slow down. The good days seem to pass faster than the rest and yesterday ended way too soon.

Plus, when I got home, I had a head on collision with my deck. It was sleeting and I was running to get in the door and well, I just should have concentrated on the steps instead of the door. I didn't quite lift my foot high enough on that last one and I knew I was goin down. I threw my arms out to catch myself but the deck was slick from the rain and sleet and my hands just flew straight out...I felt like I was sliding for home plate only home plate was the back door. I was flat of my face but not for long. I've fallen so many times, I'm an expert at jumping back up...injured or not. Grace has never been a fan of mine. It's so sweet how the kids and Josh will wait to laugh...they wait for me to start laughing first. When I started falling, I let one single choice word go...along with my cell phone and everything else I had in my hands. I saw Matthew turn away quickly so I wouldn't see him trying hard to not laugh at me. It's not the pain that gets me...I'm far too adrenalized to feel a thing at the time, it's the embarassment. I'm known to lash out violently at the nearest anything when I'm embarrassed like that. I just need a few seconds to try to regain some composure before everyone starts laughing at me...and I die laughing myself. I don't know how tense I was when I hit the deck (lol...literally) but my everything hurts today. Is this what it is to get older? I hope I find a good helping of some gracefulness before I hit middle age or these little clumsy fits may land me in a cast or two. Geeze.

The holiday hasn't ended for my family just yet. The teens are headed to Dallas with my mom to have Thanksgiving at my great grandma's. My Gramma will be there and she and Taylor are going shopping tomorrow...I'm crazy jealous. I miss holiday shopping with her...not the actual shopping but the time I used to get with her doing it. Just she and I. I'm slightly territorial when it comes to my Gramma. (I was her first granchild and I'm not too proud to pull rank. ) Everything about a mall this time of year brings her to mind. One of these days, I will be far enough ahead in life to be able to take time off to enjoy all the things that don't last forever. I hope, I hope, I hope. If not, screw the checkbook, I'm doin it anyway.

Josh, Tracker, and I are headed to his mom's for the evening when I get off work to eat dinner with her and that part of our family. I'm looking forward to it. I'm blessed to have a mother in law I genuinely love and her house is just, well, comfy to me. I'd even wear my sweats if there weren't gonna be other people present. I will take them along, however! This should wrap up Thanksgiving for us for the year. I'm almost sad to see it go...it reminds me that the remainder of the year is about to pass us by at lightning speed...again.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Well, I know I'll not be blogging tomorrow...I'll be too busy eating things I've waited all year to eat, so I figured I'd better say what I have to say today. Not that I have anything at all to say but sometimes it does my mind good to just sit here and ramble. So I shall ramble on...

Taylor's burns are better...she's still walking funny but she is managing to hang for the day at her "boyfriend's" family cabin. I hate that word. It was cute when she was 5 but at 15 it's almost terrorizing to think that she has a boyfriend...AND that she's out in the woods with him. But, she's not 5 anymore so I'm learning to let go a little at a time...a very little with a lot of time in between. I found it extremely amusing that Miss Priss managed to get ready in about five minutes flat at 6 AM and told her that I had taken note of this ability. No more causing the entire family to run 15 minutes behind schedule to everything. Her dad was much impressed with her sudden interest in the deer woods after the years of NO's to his invites to join him. He acts like it doesn't bother him, but I know his feelings are hurt. It's no fun to realize that your little girl much prefers the company of a teenage boy to yours. Probaby why he's been pestering me lately about having another baby....the little girl is no longer a little girl. But that boy is crazy if he thinks I'm puttin another baby in this body on purpose. Huh uh. Pregnancy and I have never been pals.

My "homemade" pumpkin rolls were just delivered. It makes me no difference that they were made in someone else's home. These things are fabulous and it's just a good thing I haven't the patience to make them. I'd rather spend the ten dollars for almost instant gratification....I did have to wait a whole day on their arrival. One of them will be polished off tonite, I've no doubt, at the potato peeling party we're having. I say "party" becuz I'm handing each of the teens from youth group a knife and telling them they can't play ball until they produce skinless potatoes for tomorrow's community dinner. Anytime I don't have to peel thirty pounds of potatoes, it's cause for a party. :) They love it. I have to say, they are some of the most giving teens I've ever met. I love them all to pieces....even my spoiled, rotten, boyfriended daughter. It's so much easier to enjoy 'teen-dom' on this side of it all. If nothing else, I can be thankful I'm NO LONGER 16 tomorrow!

Tomorrow really is a day to be thankful for all I've been blessed with: A family that goes past bloodlines, friends from every corner of the US, a place to call home and love to fill it with. We have never had much, but we've always had enough and to me, that makes it just right.

It's Just Life

Days like these should come with their own tee shirt, a friendly warning to those I encounter: "PMS: The art of crying for no apparent reason, crying because you're crying, crying in response to everything, basically. I'm livin' it!" Ugh! I hate it when I get like this. After today, so does my poor boss. Men do NOT know what to do with crying women. The one I'm married to does an okay job with it...but he's had years of experience. I learned this morning that I can clear an office lickety-split with just a few tears. There were exactly three men standing in this office when the attack hit....by the time the first tear hit my shirt, there were none. They ran off in three different directions all babbling something about being sorry. They had to have been wondering for what tho. Trained men....throw an apology at her and get OUT of the way. It's comical now but a mere thirty minutes ago, it was disastrous...from my PMS-y perspective. I had to hit the bathroom to fix my face and tell myself how absolutely ridiculous my behavior was. It's hard to stop it when you don't even know why you're doing it. Oh, the high's and low's of these days. I nearly outright bawled watching How To Train Your Dragon last nite. I get on my own nerves but not for long at a time....the moods seem to switch about every five minutes or so. What's amazing is the wide range of emotion I can express in such a short amount of time. Oh and it always lands on the holidays when I'm around people I see only once or twice a year. Terrific...I can only imagine the impression I make. Oh well, I won't care in another five minutes.....

I cancelled Tracker's dental appointment yesterday to take a very ill Josh to the doctor instead and while we were there, Taylor spilled an entire bowl of ramen noodles into her lap. Poor thing...I've yet to get Tracker's eye witness account but apparently, it was pretty intense there for a bit. She said the first thing she did was scream which caused Tracker to jump straight into the air like a scalded cat and cover his ears. Matthew drug himself outta bed to see what the commotion was all about but he said, "She wouldn't tell me what was wrong, so I just went back to bed." Ah, Matthew, the little compassionate thing that he is, could (and would) sleep thru anything. That poor little girl is burned in places she didn't want a doctor to see. I feel so sorry for her. That burn cream is an absolute miracle solution though...she was up and moving an hour after applying it. Impressive. She's better today but is lookin at sweatpants bein her sole attire option for a good while. Not something a very fashion savvy girl wants to hear. And she was so looking forward to her Thanksgiving break from school too....now she'll spend it, pretty much, flat of her back in front of a fan.

The doctors still don't know what's wrong with Josh. So far, it's a medical mystery but he seems to be feeling better today. He ate and drank for the first time in three days last night. He was convinced he would surely thirst to death yesterday morning....I was beginning to wonder myself. All I know is there are some funky illnesses makin' their rounds out there and I'm pretty sure this household's quota has been met. Enough already.

The chill has officially ARRIVED and with it has come the never ending phone calls from people who are out of propane :), the hunters with their always empty RV bottles, and the knowledge that my wood pile isn't nearly high enough! But, man, how I'm lovin' the smell of the fireplaces and wood stoves. Fall finally feels and smells as good as it looks!


I can't believe Thanksgiving is less than a week away. It's just wild how fast time is flying by. I can't wait til Thursday...the community Thanksgiving dinner is the highlight of my month. It's so much fun to get together with people who mean the world to me and laugh and cook and just exist in each other's presence for the day. Just a day to slow down and enjoy life and the people in it. Plus, we're given a chance to make a difference in the lives of others. You just can't beat the feeling you get when you sit down to dinner with someone who otherwise might not have had a meal that day....but more commonly, we sit down to dinner with people who would have spent the day alone. No one should be alone on the holidays, in my opinion. Not even if they think they wanna be! I've got my heart set on baking a pumpkin cheesecake. I'm pretty sure you can't go wrong with the combination of pumpkin, cream cheese, and sugar...unless you forget the Cool Whip. I never forget the Cool Whip...and it shows!





I've begun the dreaded shopping experience of the year. It's not right to hate something so much that's such a big part of the day you love so much. I despise the shopping part but I love the giving part. Someone mentions Black Friday and I shudder. Why would anyone do that on purpose??? I've been exactly twice. The first time 11 years ago when my very pregnant sister almost clobbered a dude over a VCR and the last time in Colorado with Josh. I literally have witnessed people shop til they dropped...or rather, dropped trying to shop?? I dunno but I've watched a chick hit the dirt grabbin' a toy...one dedicated momma. Both times I went, I didn't get what I went after and because of it, I spent way more money than I wanted to buying things I never planned to buy in the first place to compensate for not getting what I went for! Insanity and it shan't happen a third time. I'm shuddering again. Ugh! More power to those who're braver than I! I'll stay home and out of their way! I had to take Josh to Ft Smith to the doctor last nite and just seeing all the Christmas decor that's already out and all the traffic and the jammed full parking lots triggered a near anxiety attack. (Can we please just finish giving thanks before we wrap the world in tinsel??) So, I'm shopping online....I can breathe while buying. I highly recommend it...it's fantastic!

Hello, Friday!

Fall is stuck somewhere between itself and summer, the weather can't decide what it wants to be today...but it's definitely anti-hoody. I was so jealous when I read the statuses of snowfall from some of my fellow Facebookers. This year, I'm learning that the main reason I love this time of year has a lot to do with what the temperature gauge reads. I look thru my windshield at the gorgeous colors of the seemingly autumn scene all around me, but then I step outside my car into a humid summer atmosphere. What the heck? I'm still sleeping with the A/C on for cryin' out loud! Oh, but the trees are magnificent this year....the colors are positively brilliant. I'm hoping to get to run the kids up to the Runestone for some pictures tomorrow before all the colors fade and fall away for the year. I'll just look at the pictures and pretend there's a chill in the air!

The kids played their second home game of the season last nite and holy smokes, the boys game was a nail biter!!!!! How I love, love, LOVE basketball....especially the games that have you eating your fingers and screaming at refs. I'm pretty sure I make a complete spectacle of myself....I just don't care. The girls and boys teams both won and I couldn't have been prouder for them. They're finding their groove and moving in it. Taylor played well and my poor lowly freshman was forced to support his team from the bench. He wasn't impressed in the least but it's hard to not be happy about the first win of the season.

They play again tonite and I'm struggling between being the loud mouthed mom in the stands and being the mom who makes sure there are groceries and toilet paper in her house. It's been three weeks since my last Walmart exchange and we'll be using newspaper for toilet paper soon. We're even out of Ramen noodles at this point. Josh is threatening to strike or worse, go grocery shopping himself. If that happens, we'll be broke and the cabinets will be full of Wolf Brand Chili, Little Debbie's, and Oreos, I'll be washin' clothes with Dawn dish soap, and we'll still not have any toilet paper.

Another day gone...

I now understand what "hold onto your heels" means. I giggled when I read this Facebook status not long ago....she was posting regarding her household's encounter with the flu. "If this flu hits your house, you better hold onto your heels", I think it was. I'd never heard the expression and if I haven't mentioned it before, well, I'm a visual person. So, while I hated that her babies were sick, I still found the image in my head amusing. Maybe I needed a little lesson in why this expression is not funny when used in conjunction with the flu virus. I got one. Poor Tracker was down four days! In all my motherhood experience, this was the WORST and most bizarre flu I've seen. I once was told that the virus will either (either!) attack the digestive or the respiratory system of its victim. Well, that was either a big fat lie or this flu bug broke protocol. Tracker was one miserable 7 year old. He didn't MOVE from the recliner for three days with the exception of bathroom visits, he lost ten pounds, went from burning up to freezing to death over and over, and to top it all off, he couldn't breathe. I felt so sorry for him. It's bad when it's you sick...it's worse when it's your kids. Thankfully, the rest of us have escaped its nasty grip so far. I'm the disinfecting queen of my house....Lysol is the king.

The time change has begun to kick my butt. Well, that and my two faced friend, Coffee. The thing about caffeine is...it's your best friend when your eyes just won't open but it will stab you in the back about the time you want them to close and then you're forced to make it your friend again the next morning. We'll see how I fare tonite. I'm blaming the coffee but it could have been the symphony of snoring that kept me awake until well past 1 am this morning (my body was feeling TWO a.m., btw). Between Tracker and Josh...no silence was to be had. It's amazing the things that roll thru your head in the middle of the nite. I kept thinking I should just get UP, do something productive. But then I'd talk myself into staying just right where I was. I attempted to initiate a conversation with Josh to no avail. He's told me all kinds of things when under the influence of sleep but not last nite. So I just laid right there and thought.

I went to 16 and back and back again. I guess Taylor being 15 1/2 and with some of the things we're dealing with right now, my memory is freshly plowed. And maybe the "blast from the past" slap in the face I recevied yesterday morning helped the thought processes along as well. And that one's a blog for a different day...perhaps even a nonexistent day. I'm just not sure yet...I'm still in the "I'm not ready to recall" stages. And now, well, it's five o'clock and I'm going home. Blogging always helps me to burn the hour that lasts an eternity!

Where did October go??

I'm so mad at my computer today. The SD drive will NOT work and I wanted to post pix of my lil Mad Hatter. Tracker won his class's costume contest Friday with his Johnny Depp impression altho, he flat refused to let me paint his face. We did a trial run Thursday nite so I'd know how long I needed to get him ready and that was it. Burned him right out on face paint. He said it itches and chaps his lips so NO MORE. With more than a little persuasion, Amanda and I finally did talk him into orange eyebrows at least. Geeze. Stubborn, strong-willed...whatever you wanna call it, at my house it all means the same thing....Tracker Eli.

I also got the privilege of taking Mr. Tracker trick or treating for the first time Saturday nite. Well, the first time that he can actually recall anyway. We took him when he was one but the poor thing had to stay wrapped tight in a blanket in his stroller on that extremely COLD Colorado nite. Wasn't much fun for any of us...we all returned home with wind chapped faces and runny noses. He opted out of the Mad Hatter costume for trick or treating...well, more like he bawled and had a fit to not wear it. The top hat and wig are a miserable ensemble I guess. Who knew? He plainly told me that next year, he was bein' something NORMAL. Okay, okay. So much for my bright and very adorable ideas. He dug thru Josh's camo til he found the leafy set that reminds me of The Swamp Thing and went as that. Happy as a little lark too. Brat. (Coulda saved myself trouble and money!)

Mom's house was his first stop. I didn't figure she was expecting us, so we parked around the side so she didn't recognize Track by our car. The camo set has a hood and only his eyes were showing. I love my mom...she is the most dramatic person I know. She would have rocked as an actress. She opens the door and yells, "OH MY GOD! It's a trick or treater!" as she turned and ran for her bowl of candy. She was home alone. Maybe she was telling Cooper the cat?? She was so thrilled to get to hand out candy! I got tickled cuz I knew by her reaction she didn't know it was Tracker. So me, Josh and Matt are laughin our heads off and motioning like crazy at Tracker not to give it away. He ripped off his hood when she asked him what he was dressed up as. We got another, "OH MY GOD, it's TRACKER!". She thought that was the best thing ever, that he tricked her and she just laughed and laughed. I love it...love her drama and hearing her laugh. It made our nite, too.

He was a little bashful at the first couple houses, not too sure about bangin' on door and saying "Trick or Treat!" and expecting something in return. He got the hang of it pretty quickly after the chocolate started piling up in his bucket. He was so excited to run from door to door. I hadn't taken any of them trick or treating in so long, I'd forgotten how much fun it is to watch all the excitement. I had a blast and we came home with boat loads of candy. Good stuff too. He got full sized candy bars and light stix. He was most impressed with the lady that gave him a Koolaid Burst...he was wiped OUT from all that candy gathering! Matthew Lee wiped him out on Three Musketeers and Taylor stole most of his suckers. He politely informed us, "It's okay, I'll share....I didn't buy any of it anyway." They must have worn their welcome out with him, however, becuz it wasn't long and he'd labeled everything in the blue bucket as HIS and his alone. The rest, he said, was fair game. :)

We polished off our weekend with a Fall Fest at church yesterday afternoon. We roasted hot dogs and marshmallows, the kids played flag football and basketball, shot some pool, and of course, the highlight of the evening was yet, more candy. I know that's the teenager's favorite part of the night, when they get their beloved bag of goodies....I don't care what they say, how cool they pretend they are....they LOVE getting candy and you may likely lose a finger if you try to take it from them. I only wish I'd have sat a little longer around the fire. There's something so calming and relaxing about the smell and sound of a campfire in the fall. I didn't even dread Monday morning...but I have a good reason...the kids' first basketball game is tonite!!! I am so excited...can't wait to go watch the mystery unravel...will my sophomore and freshman make it off the bench????? :)

Half way there....again!

That little button that the manufacturer put on my alarm clock must have malfunctioned this morning. I pressed it ONCE at 6:15....next thing I knew it was 7:15! A "snooze" is only allowed to be 10 minutes long at most according to WikiHow so either I "sleepsnoozed" and I don't remember it or, like most of the electronics in my life right now, my alarm clock is rebelling against me. And why is it that when you're running late, your hair won't do anything it normally does, you can't find a single shred of clothing that fits, your shoes mysteriously walk off (and not in a pair either)? No, one goes to the living room and the other to the bathroom. How does that happen? I couldn't find my keys, my cell phone wasn't charged, and I almost forgot my purse. We did make it out the back door by 7:45 tho....with Tracker's "crazy hat" in tow.

It's Red Ribbon week so each day is a differently themed dress up day. Yesterday was "Red" Day. I'm still red around the cuticles from dying Track's hair blood red....no, Resurrection Red was the technical name for it. He's still sporting a bit on his rosy red cheeks this morning too. Today tho, was Crazy Hat day. He decided to use his one from last year again. Josh fixed him up an orange construction hard hat with deer antlers attached. It's cute....I should really post some pix. I've gotten particularly lazy about photographing the moments of our lives lately. Kodak would be so disappointed.

I miss regular ol' film that you drop off at the Walmart and pick up a couple days later. I was so much better at that than this digital stuff. I have loads of camera cards full of pix that I'm constantly misplacing OR that find their way into my husband's game cameras...magically erased. Grrrrr. I'm also known to have a hard drive full of pix that never make their way to walmart.com for print either. One day, I'll be dead and gone and the equipment to view all these memories I have will be obsolete...oh, I seriously have got to get on the ball around here. Now, I only have to save the five hundred or so dollars it will cost me to have them all printed. Did I SAY I miss rolls of film? I do....one little roll at a time is all this chick can handle.

Weekend Wanders

Another Monday almost under my belt. That must mean my weekend is gone again. It was filled to the brim as always and I'm fighting exhaustion as usual but I'm mostly a happy camper this fine (but still too warm) fall afternoon. Amanda and I hit Rally in the Valley Friday night. Just us two rode over....no kids this time. I enjoyed it, I don't get nearly enough "grown up time" these days...it never lasts long enough. Saturday morning brought on a sudden thought to shop Hobby Lobby. I needed the perfect birthday gift for one of the moms in my life. I never trust my taste and it takes me FOREVER to pick anything out but I did it....finally. I had been craving Geno's pizza since I'd opened my eyes...what IS it about that mall pizza anyway? It hit the spot too. Tracker eyeballed a Halloween Boo-tique (cute!) so we had to stop off there and then the girl child spied Kohl's, the store I always forget about. She's been "saving" her money since this summer so she can contribute to the vehicle she hopes to be driving come April 2nd. By "saving" I mean that she worked all summer and has more jeans that one butt can wear in a month, various shirts, some still with tags on, some jewelry, color contacts, lots of shoes, and $180 cash. :) I have to say tho, $180 would have paid for a third of my first car. Not gonna be so for "Miss I Want", I'm afraid. So as we break the threshold of Kohl's, I remind her that she is gonna be car shopping in less than six months and that I'm not contributing to her overstuffed closet til Christmas. Period. Forty minutes later, the boys and I have had our fill of the store but Taylor can't be found. Around and around we went looking for her, inside bathrooms and dressing rooms. No Taylor. Well, when I finally DID find her, it was no wonder she went missing...she was buried behind the mound of clothes she was carrying around. Again, I remind her of the car issue to which she replies, "But I NEED it and it's all on sale!". So I shrugged, "Whatever, it's your money but you're gonna be pissy when all your friends are driving and YOU are walking. Guess you'll look cute hitchhiking." I'm still in shock at the justification process she went thru next. "Well," she says, "when you let me drive home from town the other day, I decided that driving was just too scary. I'm not buying a car. When I need to go somewhere, I'll just drive yours." Ooooh. Is that so????? Not even an hour prior to this, she'd told me that she wanted nothing for Christmas....just money for her car. I'd say the girl has a slight shopping addiction. I shall be reminding her of this conversation when April rolls around. God help me survive her.

We went to Amanda & Dustan's for dinner Saturday nite & watched OU play that bi-polar football game. Well, most of it anyway. I'd claim bein a Texas native but that wouldn't be much better and I don't reckon I need any more enemies anyhow. Then yesterday, we listened to the testimony of a family who've just returned from Belize on missions. Absolutely fascinating. I want to go and almost have Josh talked into it. Tracker's game becuz of the snakes and lizards he saw on the slide show but the teenagers?? Eh. They are passionate about exactly one thing....anything that directly involves them. I think they found it more interesting than they let on but they've grown quite accustomed to indoor plumbing and air conditioning.

Josh and I once again tried to find this mysterious piece of property he so desperately wishes to own. Three hours on a four wheeler up the mountains and thru the brush will do a lot to temper a person...especially when you never find what you're looking for. I've decided it's just not out there. Someone is selling a piece of land that simply does not exist so unless this real estate agent wants to give me a personally guided tour, I'm not for it. Josh hasn't quite given up just yet.

Thoughts For This Day

Well, it's Friday again...let the time warp begin. And it will. Monday will be here before I realize Saturday has begun. I'd dig my heels in the dirt and drag if it'd make it go slower. There are so many things going on around here, it's hard to decide what to do! The Robber's Cave festival last week was awesome but there were so many people there. We spent 15 minutes in a line of cars waiting to park, then spent another 20 in line waiting for the shuttle to take us the three miles back to the festival, then 10 minutes waiting on funnel cake that we had to eat sitting indian style on the grass. The jeans they make these days, plus me in them, plus indian style doesn't always make for the most comfortable of situations but I managed. Then we hit the craft booths. My gosh, I couldn't put my hands on my hips for fear I'd elbow people on both sides of me. It was like an ant colony! We voted to skip the carnival all together. Well, all except for poor Tracker. He assumed the long line we were waiting in was to ride the Rocket. You can imagine his disappointment when he discovered it was only the shuttle line for the return ride to the back forty we were parked on. So, I'm thinkin' this weekend, I'd like to avoid huge crowds of people and mile long lines. Although, the Balloonfest is awfully appealling.



Josh has spied a piece of property and has his heart set on owning it. It's the land he's always dreamed of, he says, surrounded by forest with a creek on one side. Hunter's paradise, I reckon. Problem is, it's landlocked on three sides by the US Corps of Engineering and on the other, a little lady who's convinced she already OWNS that land back there. Lol...oh, life is never boring and always, always a challenge. Josh likes a good challenge. Especially when he can sit in his dozer seat all day and think of things for me to do to help further his plight. If he's called me once, he's called me thirty times in the past two days with marching orders. He's excited...and he's driving me batty. Then I think how much fun it'd be to finally have a cabin that's ours...to disappear into the great beyond for 48 hours at a time, and then I get excited too. But before I put my name on a dotted line of obligation, I wanna SEE it first. So, to Google Earth I went...



I had a map of the property...sort of. So I attepmted to find the coordinates. I had never GPS'd my way thru the woods before yesterday. Interesting in a frustrating kinda way. I led us thru at least six direction changes before Mr. Expert took over and led us thru another six. Didn't take us long to figure out we'd soon by walking by the light of the moon at the rate we were travelling. As romantic as that phrase has always sounded, dense woods in the dark is not condusive to much anything except walking faster and talking less. My dot on the map was extremely elusive. We never did find it but we had lots of fun arguing over which way was that way, and what way was which. (I won.) We're armed with new coordinates and a better map today though. Conquer, we shall.

Life is NOT a highway. It's a NASCAR speedway.

I'm not entirely convinced that there are 24 hours in a day anymore...I think the clocks are conspiring against me (paranoia induced by sleep deprivation??). My life long, night owl tendencies have recently been replaced by falling face first, fully clothed onto my bed at 10 pm sharp! and not budging the next morning until the snooze button has been exhausted. It's ridiculous. I concoct and scheme with myself about the easiest ways to make the frizz ball atop my head presentable for the day so that I can hit that button for another beloved 10 minutes of sleep. I'm an expert at applying makeup via the rear view mirror in my vehicle...learned that from the best, my momma. Yet even with shaving what time I can off the everyday routine, multitasking in a dozen different ways, I still just can't keep up. I'd give up but 5 days from now when I'm rested and recoup'd, I'd hate myself for the mess I let pile up. So here we go again...and again, and again. (I know I'm not the only one singin' this song...)

We've all been battling an especially horrid round of allergies this year. Well, I say allergies...I dunno what the heck is wrong with us all but it's stickin' around like those little green guys on the Mucinex commercial. I pretty much feel like I got a watermelon for a head these days and my ears are STILL constantly itchy. Irritating. Makes for cranky people all confined to one house. After a full 24 hours together, things get really interesting! Josh and I 'bout screamed the house down around us Sunday evening. If you think you've nothing to argue about, find yourself sick and cooped up in the living room all day together, throw a teenage daughter into the mix and see how different your child rearing perspectives really are...and THEN, well, just how passionate are you about your perspective anyhow?

We learned years ago that as much alike as we think, we can be polar opposites just as easily and that we are BOTH equally passionate about our viewpoints. So much for the "united front" theory we been throwin' around. Funny how you can love and hate one person in the course of an hour, how you can want more than life itself to be by their side forever and ever and the next moment wish them to Saturn or any other God forsaken place they could never return from. I can love with the best and hate with the worst...it's somewhere in the middle where I normally reside tho.

So, our house is pretty tough. It survived the screaming match. That's more than I can say for the innocent cell phone that found itself at the bottom of my closet. This is what insurance is for, right? And what I get for complaining about the $4.99 a month it costs me.

I'm always sorry for the way I behave during a fit of rage...but never soon enough. Never before I've spilled every ounce of poison in my guts, never before I've said every mean thing that has crossed my mind, and most certainly, never before I feel I have justified myself. I have GOT to get a handle on my tongue.

And THEN, well, there's the issue of my back. A 22 year old injury has come back to rear its ugly head and I'm learning to function with one or both legs completely numb for most of the day. I worry that I might jump up from this office chair and fall flat of my face one of these days. But, this is another of those issues that would be helped by the loss of about 20 pounds. (as I eat another tamale & drink my diet DP) What ELSE can I pull out of my hat today to complain about? :)

Really tho, life is good and the best part is, life goes ON. I get a brand new morning every single day (which I'm still thinkin' is no longer 24 hours long) and I have all these nifty people around me who think I'm pretty alright even when I do fall flat on my face or behave like a fire breathing dragon!

From an addict's perspective...

My cigarette craving has been out of control. I spend way too many minutes of my days dreaming about them lately. Since emphysema doesn't top my list of ways I'd like to leave the earth, I have tried like crazy to just put them out of my mind....usually by poking something calorie-ridden into my mouth. As the scales keep tipping toward a serious meltdown, I have been researching, a.k.a. "googling", things like: organic cigarettes, nicotine free cigarettes, the EZ Smoker for cryin out loud! I made my mother my cohort and we finally settled on some nicotine AND tobacco free smokes from an organic site. I am the Queen of Justification, after all. Snickers vs. cigarette...which is worse? Seriously.

They arrived last Friday. One pack of honey rose Blue Lights and one pack of honey rose Vanilla. I carried them around in my purse and that was good enough, just knowing they were there if I needed one...until Monday. I decided to try the Vanilla first. Oh how I wanted it, WILLED it even, to taste just like my beloved Marlboro Ultra Lite shorts. It didn't. It didn't even come close. Was like takin' a big puff of heated air, in fact. So I thought, "Well, maybe if I drag a little harder on the dang thing...". Nope. Plus, it smelled like the worst pack of cheap cigarettes I'd ever smoked...and I smoked plenty of cheap cigarettes in my high school days. To be absolutely clear, these wretched cigarettes were NOT cheap. No, I believe they average out to be about fifty cents a smoke. Desperate times call for desperate measures. So, I tried out the Blue Lites yesterday. An improvement on the vanilla but still, soooooo not a Marlboro. I WANT a Marlboro. An entire pack. I want to chain smoke four at a time. Oh, the bliss!

I think, perhaps, I've just been fooling myself all these years, telling myself, my husband, my children, "It's not the NICOTINE I'm addicted to...I simply LIKE to smoke. Leave me alone, I can quit whenever I want to." And I have quit....several times now. It seems to be that I can quit whenever I want....it's the restarting I am having trouble controlling. I've the self control, for the moment, to not buy the pack of Marlboros I so desperately crave. Probably becuz I've not yet tried the American Spirit "organic" (lol??!) cigs that still hold the promise (delusion?) of being the alternative I'm looking for. And after that, well, there's still the EZ Smoker!!

THIS is the most wonderful time of the year!

I love fall...it is by far my favorite season. But then again, I think I say the same thing about spring when it finally rolls around after winter. So, we'll call it a toss up...I love fall AND spring but since it happens to be fall now, well, it's definitely my favorite season. All except for the itchy ears I'm battling right now. I guess it's the warm days followed by the cold nites, but my sinuses are on overdrive right now and there is NOTHING more frustrating than my inner ears itching like crazy and knowing, there's not one thing I can do. I'd love to stuff a pipe cleaner down in there...that would feel sooooo good right now. I can't take a drink, cough, talk, or even breathe in a manner that prevents rattling my ears and bringin on the itch. Ugh!

I drug out all my fall decorations last nite...I love harvest colors...they just make me happy. Why is it I can be happy simply because I'm surrounded by various hues of yellow, orange, red, and brown and the air smells like Friday Night Football?? Pumpkins, hay bales, crunchy leaves, hoodies, and baking...it all makes me miss my Gramma too. Has to stem from my years with her, my obsession with Fall. She never failed to dress up the front porch with cute lil scarecrows and huge pots of mums. What I wouldn't give to be 12 again some days! Well, except for I just remembered how she'd make me get out there and rake up all those crunchy leaves!! I was such a pain in her butt, of this I'm sure. Stompin around, draggin my feet, full of attitude, stopping just short of refusing to rake that yard. I knew better than to refuse...my Gramma is a force to be reckoned with when she wants to be. There's a certain look she gets and you just know, "Don't mess with her, it will end badly for you". I miss her.

This is also the time of year my husband goes M.I.A. It used to really bother me when I was younger...that he'd rather be in the woods trailing deer than spend his time in MY company. Not so much anymore....I've learned to utilize the time wisely and even pleasurably. Trips to the mall without him complaining at every storefront without "sporting" in the name, craft fairs without him watching the checkbook like a hawk, Saturday mornings on my front porch with a book, in peace. He is not a reader and doesn't understand my absolute need for it. Well, anymore than I understand his need for the woods. So, we're even. We'll exist for the next two months married in name only....and we'll be just fine with it, now that we're adults and all. :)

Wake me when September ends!

Well, this has been a heck of a week so far. Thank goodness for midway points cuz some weeks I need the encouragement of knowing I'm halfway done! Sunday nite was a blog all its own and Monday nite was Open House at the school. I'll spare most of the gorey details but let's just say I left feeling like I should have been awarded an "I attended Open House and SURVIVED" tee shirt. It's so hard to be a mom. I mean, I KNEW it was gonna be, even at 16 when I got pregnant, but man, I never knew that the word "hard" could hold so many different connotations.

It's physically hard: My body has never been the same since my uterus was first invaded. Sick, tired...no tired doesn't begin to touch it, DRAINED, stretched, bloated, hyper-sensitive. I could smell things a blood hound would've missed...and most of them made me throw up. I kept waiting for the "glow" but all I got were some record breaking zits. My hair and nails did seem to grow faster but the pounds I was rapidly packing on somehow outweighed those attributes and my back protested loudly and often to having to carry the extra load. And this was all PRE-delivery... There wasn't much hope for my boobs ever being the same again even before I delivered but I knew it for sure by the third morning after! It's comical now but it definately was NOT at the time. I bawled. Which brings me to...

It's emotionally hard: It's scary finding out you're about to bring forth life. Even when it's planned, the awesome responsibility of what is taking place within you can be overwhelming at times. I know I had several unexplainable meltdowns. I also found that the slightest things could annoy me to the point of rage. Somedays, all it took was a glimpse of my ballooning figure in a store front window to bring on the tears followed by a mad fit and a promise to never TOUCH another sancho (yeah, right). I know there were happy times too but from high to low and back again seemed to come hard and fast. It was emotional whiplash.

It's mentally hard: I'm a person who could think herself to death if it were possible. I go over every possible scenario with a fine toothed comb. I couldn't sleep for all the thoughts; "Will I be a good mother and what if I'm not?" "Can I love a child like it needs to be loved?"" What if I can't and I screw it up beyond repair?" "What if it hates me?" "What if I hate it?" "What will it look like?" "What if I have an ugly baby?" "How bad is this gonna hurt?" "What if I die?" The thoughts did not stop...I existed exhausted; physically, emotionally, and mentally.

All these years later, two more pregnancies and deliveries under my belt, I know now that was only the beginning of understanding what "worn out" means. There are days when I'd give my left arm for all three of them to be back in the womb...the other days, I'd give my right one. That was the easy part...they were tucked away safe and sound. Now I have these walking, talking, back-talking little beings with minds and voices all their own living in this great big world. It requires constant alert...it's 24/7 with no vacation or sick leave, it's exhaustion blown up, in every possible sense. I'll not even go into the huge responsibility that lies on our shoulders. That's a whole other blog.

Reminds me of a movie I just watched. One dad-to-be asks another dad, "What's it like...bein' a dad?" The guy answers, "It's awful. Awful, awful, awful, AWFUL...and then, something wonderful happens and it makes it all worth it."

Things don't always go my way...I hate such things.

I was given a good reminder last night of why you should really think about what you say and even after you've thought about it, you should really decide if it needs to be said at all. (Are there enough "really"s in there to stress my point??) Let's see, words can be: twisted, misunderstood, misrepresented, misconstrued, misinterpreted, embellished, you name it. If it can go wrong, it will. But wait! It gets even better; beyond the normal miscommunication problems of life, you've got "pot stirrers" to deal with; those individuals in the world who are just not happy unless they are causing strife for someone else. What I released as (admittedly) careless talk ended up being someone else's malicious ammunition. It's now been nearly a year since a young lady has spoken to me after a pretty explosive confrontation about what she was told I had said about her. I saw her last night for the first time since the "ordeal"...scratch that, she saw ME for the first time since then. I've seen her once, but I stayed back. Sometimes in not knowing how to fix what's gone so horribly wrong, I avoid the situation totally. (I never once claimed to be brave.) But, there she was, there I was and there was no denying we'd seen each other but still, I was at a loss on how to deal.

What was told to her went beyond twisted embellishment, it was an all out lie, plain and simple. And although, I do feel that I owe this girl an apology for the part I played in hurting her by even opening my mouth to begin with, I did NOT say the things she accused me of saying. Quite honestly, I am offended by the accusation but even more so by her blatant refusal to even hear the truth and well, when I get offended (translation: when my feelings get stomped on) I tend to take a Stonehenge position. I will not bend, sway, or even budge to try to make things right. I have a stubborn streak that is at least a mile wide. Unfortunately, my daughter has inherited it. She was ready to deal last night, once and for all....with fists....at church. This stupid thing has affected my entire family and it brings out some less than admirable behavior.

I had decided that if our paths crossed on my way back out to my car, I was going to simply tell her that I was sorry and leave it at that. I lost her in the crowd of people, I even walked back thru one more time looking for her...I never saw her again. I still don't know how to make things right. I don't even know if I can make things right at this point. What I want to know is why it bothers me so badly that things aren't right. I tried, I told the truth. Does my responsibility end there or DO I owe her an apology for even saying what I did say, even if it was said innocently? Had I never said it at all, this mess would never have happened. Relationships...who needs em anyway??? :)

I dunno...truth is, I'd do anything to make things right because that's just how I am. I hate hurting people's feelings...okay, unless I'm in a fit of rage then I usually don't hate hurting anyone until the next day or so. Typically tho, it tears me up until I've made things right, even if it requires jumping thru flaming hoops or my own butt. I'm thinkin', tho, this is where I learn that sometimes, you just can't make things okay again. There are two minds, two wills, and two sets of emotions involved here and I can't make her decide to believe me or forgive me for hurting her and that's that. So, I give....for now anyway. Life just gets way too complicated when people are involved.

I tried a new thing...

I attempted to make a batch of boudin night before last. I do this when I'm trying desperately to lose weight again...I cook, bake, concoct, and dream up things I've never attempted before and surprisingly, I don't eat as much. Seems contradictory to say the least, but it works. By the time I'm done tasting it, I don't wanna eat it so I begin the clean up process and by the time that's over...I don't care if I ever see food again. (I'm a clean freak who hates cleaning. Again, contradictory. What can I say?) Last summer, I made more zucchini muffins than Betty Crocker could shake a stick at and I didn't gain an ounce! Of course, I didn't lose any either but in these "gaining" times, the plateau periods are fond, fond memories.



So, back to boudin, a FANTASTIC Cajun sausage that I hadn't had since I visited my uncle's family when I was 15. I ate so many things that week that I haven't had since. Man, those folks know how to throw ordinary things into a pot and make it taste like a million bucks. I've been hooked on Cajun cookin' ever since, but nothing I've tasted since matches up. Until...



I stopped over at Mom's a couple of weekends ago and she'd grilled and on the plate was a familiar looking sausage link and I had to take a bite. Sure enough, bonafied Cajun food! But, it'd been given to my brother-in-law by a coworker who lives in Louisiana. Of course it hadn't been purchased here in the Sooner state. But, I studied it long and hard and decided I could make it if it couldn't be ordered off the 'net. Thus began my search. I soon discovered that this little delicacy involved pig livers and lamb intestines (so much for the idea that they threw ordinary things in those pots). So, ordering prepared boudin online was out of the question. Too many flashbacks to my sophomore year and the tour of the lamb-slaughter plant in Denver, CO...I'll never forget the way that lady worked so hard to clean out those intestines...or the way another little lady wielded a meat hook. Ugh. Clean, dirty...intestine is STILL intestine and I couldn't knowingly chomp down one. Sometimes, ignorance truly is bliss.



I decided deer or beef could be substituted and I'd make my own. I also discovered I could order synthetic sausage casing that stands up to grilling but can be removed before eating. Yay! Well, Round #1 was not entirely successful...it tasted okay, but the consistency was crap. Reminded me of baby food...pasty. Let's just say it was nasty. I promptly threw it out before I ruined boudin for myself forever. I shall try again at a later date. Probably much later and most likely, never again......did I mention I hate cleaning??

Today's Roadmap of Thought...(no wonder I'm lost!)

Today is a good day! I'm quite fond of good days...they aren't guaranteed after all. I am starving tho. I'm not to the point of chewing the varnish off the desk yet, so that's a plus. Food, my best frenemy, and I are at war, once again. I decided I could no longer deny it after riding 5 hours in a truck with Josh to pick up a backhoe Sunday afternoon. I simply sat there but I was miserably uncomfortable in my quite tight, usta be "loose" jeans. What the heck happened....again. Coulda been the nachos, enchiladas even, spinach ravioli?, apple fritters, Carmel Milky Way, fish tacos!, chicken lo mein...any one of these but more likely all of them over the past two weeks has put my waistline in the squeezed position its now in. I'm beginning to think it's no longer the food that is out to get me, but my own hands. They are responsible for shoveling it all in...

There are days, such as Monday, when I wonder if I'll ever EVER gain the ground I need. I have since spent my days on the Medifast regime, trying to regain some control instead of inches. Third day in and I'm feeling somewhat better but certainly not 10 pounds lighter and really, all I want is to eat something. I've made certain this office is void of anything I could ruin myself with and since the closest place to purchase any contraband is at least a mile away, I may be safe (depends...what is the calorie content of varnish, anyhow?). The little packet of dehydrated chicken noodle soup in my purse is beginning to sound quite tasty.

All I keep thinking is, "It's happening again...it has begun." The damn cycle I can't seem to stop living. While I was trying desperately to carve out a new path around this mountain, I somehow slipped back into the worn rut I've been walking for most of my life. It's ridiculous, it's insanity, and it absolutely consumes most of my thoughts.

I've decided that insecurity is still vanity...that just because I'm looking at myself in disgust and I'm ashamed of myself does NOT mean I'm not still focused on ME for most of my days. Quite a revelation. When I've hit a point where I'm directing my days and planning around not being noticed because people will see that I've gained some weight back, when I don't want my own husband to look at me, much less touch me, when I'm hateful to my kids because I'm unhappy with the way my clothes fit today, when I don't speak to friends because I'm ashamed for them to see me this way, when I'm walking around with my head down...whoa! I'm a little consumed with my appearance and other people's perception of me, I think that's safe to say. Sad, that what people think really matters that much to me even tho I proclaim it does NOT.

And really, I say I want to be "healthy", that I want to change my life to get healthy, but the truth is, I just want to be thin. Thin enough to wear whatever I want and not tug at it all day because I'm self conscious about the way it's sticking to the fat, thin enough to feel beautiful, thin enough to finally wear short hair, thin enough to be sure that even if Josh were to leave me one day, I'd be able to find another man (see? insanity!), thin enough to be all I ever wanted to be but couldn't be cuz I've always been fat. But here's the catch, I don't really want it bad enough to never touch another doughnut or to make more than a momentary commitment to a treadmill. Give me the best of both worlds, please, because I WANT it.

I have to giggle when I think of the proverbial, "You want your cake and to eat it too!". YES! Yes, give me my "thinness" but let me EAT too. My prayer, "Lord! Just give me a do-over, let me wake up a size 7 tomorrow and I PROMISE, I'll stop overeating, I'll never be fat again!" LOL...cuz if I don't, I'll cry instead.

But like I started out saying, today is a good day and today, I have Hope so I think I'll leave it at that. For today. ;)

If I could, I would...

fly to Africa today, right this minute, and rock all those abandoned babies until the day I die.

understand the mind of my 15 year old daughter.

instantly be 35 pounds lighter.

eat an apple fritter every day! (see how my mind works?)

spend eight hours a day with my nose stuck in a book.

never do laundry again!

go back 17 years and be nicer to my mom and a few other people.

turn my teenagers back into toddlers for a few days! (but I want the option to yell "deal's off" at any moment...)

keep my mouth more shut and my ears more open. (okay, I probably CAN do this one.)

'MUTE' the world at will.

drive to Nebraska via Colorado, stopping to visit along the way....today.

have a really nifty, crafty hobby instead of a passion for numbers. (I drive my OWN self crazy.)

Thank God for unexplained fits of laughter!

Life is always an interesting ride, that much is for sure and it doesn't take much more effort than putting your feet on the floor in the morning to find yourself being swept away in it. Finding the time to sit down, collect your thoughts, and breathe awhile is what really requires some ingenuity!

I say every time I find that I've taken a major, unplanned hiatus from blogging that I'll not ever do it again yet somehow, here I am again. The pattern is: When life gets overwhelming, pretend you don't exist! My heartbeat begs to differ...I'M ALIVE. Some days, I'm probably not as grateful as I should be about that. P.O.D. instantly began singing in my head as soon as my fingers typed that. "Everyday is a new day...I'm thankful for every breath I take..." Days like this are why they taught us our numbers...."Count your blessings, Krista." :)

It's only the days that I wake up focused on the "ME" factor that I feel this way. I realized how ridiculous I'm being yesterday at church. I sing back up vocals for our worship team every Sunday and I do my very best to sing while hiding behind the person in front of me. I actually try very hard to disappear while still being heard. It takes talent. Well, yesterday, for some reason I can't extract from my mind, I looked up and because I'm a full head taller than Becca, I locked eyes with my husband....who decided to wink at me. I was suddenly 14 again, unfortunately. "Omg, he's looking at me. WHY is he looking at me? I look horrible today, I feel fat, fatter than usual even....WHY would he look at me? UGH!" And then, my stupidity and complete self-absorption got the better of me and I cracked up. I'm talkin' full on, got the giggles and could NOT stop laughin.

I tried to get a grip, really I did....but it didn't work. I wasn't about to look up at Josh again to see his reaction to what I KNOW he could see goin on with me. I now know that I do not disappear up there....everyone saw it all. I caught Zack, our 15 year old drummer, looking at me, then out at Josh and then HE got cracked up. That just made me worse, which made him worse...and the cycle continued. It was ridiculous and it would not stop. Only after church did Josh tell me that I like to have caused him to "fall out" laughin and that he almost left. I laughed til I cried and hoped like crazy Zack's mom somehow missed the whole episode. :) WHY do things like that happen at the most inappropriate, inconvenient times? We both swear we almost got kicked out of the church we used to go to once when we got cracked up and laughed so hard during services that we literally shook the pew. Boy, did we get some glares that day. And neither of us can tell you what the heck was so funny still! Childish or not, laughter is so, so good for me in these times when the depression comes creeping back in.

I intend to make Blogger a regular part of life....once again, but sometimes intention is just the best I got.

Amazing Encounters in Everyday Life

I so wanted to get up at the butt crack of dawn, hit the dreaded Walmart for groceries and a few other of life's necessary items yesterday morning. My pillow talked me out of it, then the hunt for a missing checkbook (yes, I had put it "away" for easy finding later) put me even farther behind in my day. I was almost antsy when Josh and I finally exited the driveway at 10 am. I HATE wasting my days and I know that groceries are a must as is filling up my spongy car with the liquid gold it requires to run...but it doesn't make the chore anymore invigorating for me. I hate it, did I mention that already? Plus, I've discovered you can no longer get back out the automatic doors of Walmart without spending at least a hundred dollars and I don't find "settling up" with them very exciting either. LIFE! Who ever promised me a rose garden anyhow??

As much as I hate the Walmart Experience, it can't compare to how I feel about Atwoods. Unfortunately, this happens to be my husband's very favoritest hang out in Poteau. But, he promised, promised, PROMISED it would be short and sweet so I put on my happy face and trudged along. (are you beginning to get a feel for my attitude this day??)


I was checking out a sale rack of little garden decorations, battling with myself over whether I really needed what I had in my hand...on sale, or not. The checkbook won, I put it back on the shelf and turned to go. A lady there caught my eye...she looked familiar at first but then I realized I didn't know her at all. She must have reminded me of someone, I guess. I smiled and proceeded onward but she stopped me. Typically, I'm in my rushed, borderline bad mood frame of mind when shopping, especially in the farm store but something stopped me from being that way. She asked me, very quietly, if I had a cell phone she could use to make a call and apologized for bothering me while I was shopping. I was embarrassed that she thought she was bothering me, told her she was NOT a bother and handed her my phone.

Her nervousness took over and she began to ramble while she was trying to figure out how to dial my phone. Said she was having car trouble and I'm thinkin', "It's too dang hot for car trouble today." So I asked her what was up with the car. Josh and I are pretty experienced broken car handlers, after all. Then she told she didn't even know where she was, that she had just been passing thru when her dad had chest pains and had to go to the ER, was admitted to the hospital and she had no idea how far she was from home (Moutainburg, AR). I could hear the desperation in her voice and then the embarrassment when she said that she thought she was just out of gas and she'd have to call her sister to Western Union her some money. My heart broke. All I could think about was how scary it'd be to be trapped somewhere with no money, no gas, and no way to get hold of anyone. She was at the mercy of total strangers.

You know, to this day, I have never had to change my own flat. Every single time, there has always been someone to stop and insist on changing it for me. Anytime I've had any kind of car trouble, even just locking the keys in it, someone has always been more than happy to help me out. How could I NOT help this lady? I couldn't help her fast enough.

I found Josh, asked him how far she was from home and filled him in as easily as I could, I didn't want to further embarrass her. He picked up on it and handed over his card. I asked her if she had enough gas to get to a station. Her teenager daughter was driving...she followed me to the Tote-A-Poke, told me she rolled in on fumes. Funny how you have just enough when you really need it. I had my Skillet tee shirt on and she and I decided we were both their biggest fans.....ever. :)

The momma must have said thank you a dozen times and nearly cried twice and all I kept thinkin' was how cool it was that the steps we'd both taken that day had led our paths to cross. I had nearly thrown a "Krista-fit" when Josh insisted we stop at Atwoods. We'd have fought, but I'd have gotten my way....and missed this huge blessing in the midst of it. These experiences are always very humbling...and as much as that little lady thought I helped her...I know the truth. My perspective has needed some changing...I've been in a "poor, pitiful me" state of mind lately. Nothing like staring into the eyes of someone who has nothing to change your point of view. So God and I both know: She was MY help that day.

"And I'll be my brother's keeper, so the whole world will know that we're not alone...." -Matt Maher

Love Speaks Loudly

So, I'm not usually one of those people who responds to provocation, unless the provoker is Josh...in which case, he's the flame to my gasoline....vapors....it's explosive. But nevermind all that...give us some boxing gloves and a ring, a brave ref, and eventually, we'll get this mess all sorted out. But what I been thinkin' on wasn't provoking in a bad way... quite the opposite. I read a post that provoked me to take a good look at myself, at my heart, at what I honestly believe about life and ask myself some serious questions. And, since I'm my own interrogater...I reckon I'd better have some answers.

I've always believed in Jesus. I can't tell you why, I just do. Now, those who've known me for more than the last 20 minutes know that I've not always lived like I believe in Jesus. I've been the worst of the worst and I know it. I no longer even deny it. In fact, anyone who hangs around me regularly knows that you're very likely to catch a good glimpse now that'd make ya wonder about my faith. I'm a human being, I screw up a thousand times a day, at least. Thankfully, I've learned that empty beer cans and Marlboro packs are not tickets to hell and that I don't walk around with a big red "A" on my chest, and I don't have to walk with my head held down in shame because of my past. But let me tell you about where I didn't learn these things...in a church.


My friend's post said something to the effect of being judged most harshly by "Christians". That hurt me...for her and for the Jesus I know, the one the Bible talks about. I don't even know this Jesus who's name has been used as an excuse to judge and condemn for far too long. It hit a nerve and I'm not done bein nervy yet. This sort of behavior makes me furious, whether or not it's one of my friends who's been affected. I guess probably because I've been there.


I, too, have been judged most harshly by people who called themselves Christians, people who's names are listed as members of churches that they attend like clock work in their very best Sunday attire. People in the community I looked up to and aspired to be like when I was 20 years old...until their (very open) rejection hit me square in the face. I remember, vividly, being at a point of such desperation in my life back then. Josh & I were just kids trying to raise kids...he was never home for all his running around and I was only home because I worried too much about what others would think and say about me if I wasn't. We were broker than broke and having the worst run of luck with our vehicles, appliances, etc. I hated him, he hated me...God only knows how we've stayed together. It was pure hell...I can only think of one or two times in my life when I've been more miserable.

So, at this point in my life when I'd rather been dead than alive, it was said to me that, "perhaps, I might oughta think about darkening some church doors". I hope what was meant was that God could help when no one else could. That's how I took it. Josh all but laughed at me when I suggested church, so I loaded up the kids and went alone. It never occurred to me that the clothes in my closet wouldn't be nearly good enough to wear...oh, how naive I was! I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I think about it. I put on my jeans and a tee shirt and dressed the kiddos like I always did and set out to encounter a God who would change my life. I marched in there with a heart full of hope and no more than broke the threshold when I knew that not only was I not accepted, I was not welcome. I'm not sure what kept them from just flat out asking me to leave...maybe the toddler and two year old I had at my side. Maybe God Almighty decided to let me get a good fill of it so I'd never treat anyone that way. Who knows? What I do know was that I was extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed but too proud to turn around and run back out the door. I wasn't dressed right, I wasn't married, the guy I lived with wasn't even the father of the two kids I had....who did I think I was showing up at their church?? Sullying their atmosphere with my presence? The attack was vicious, yet subtle...harmless in appearance to the onlooker but the arrows were well aimed and I left wounded. I will never forget that day....ever.

It burned me on church for sure and on God for awhile too...but in my heart, I still knew that Jesus wasn't like these people...these people who are hateful and critical but they wear his second name like a big, picket-sign sized badge and climb up on their pews so they can look down on everyone. If they're reading the same Bible I read, they have to know that Jesus Christ didn't hang with the well dressed and monetarily secure...no, you'd find him among the hookers and liars and thieves. People like me who lived some seriously screwed up lives combined with some seriously bad choices and knew they needed some serious change. The very last thing I needed was for another somebody to make me feel like a nobody, like I didn't measure up and that I'd already made so many mistakes in my life that hope would forever be on my horizon but never in my hands.

God was gracious enough, years later, to lead me by a love of music into another fellowship of people and plant a man with a past similar to mine in front of me to teach me about who God really is and confirm to me that yes, indeed, just as I'd suspected, Jesus truly does love me. And there are no stipulations on that love. Refreshing discovery...seemed like every "love" I'd ever known came with a pretty expensive price tag and always left me broke and broken. These people taught me what love and acceptance was in the midst of my levi's and martial status. My life didn't suddenly snap to perfection but I did and still am acquiring new perception on how to deal with all the imperfection of it.

I once heard it said something like this...People don't need to read your Christian tee shirt or hear your "churchy" talk when they haven't got the money to feed their kids or enough gas to get to work. They need food and gas. They need to know that someone gives a damn, to put it frankly, and is willing to help them out, regardless of who they are or where they come from.
My favorite tee shirt simply says, "Love is the Answer". Love needs no introuduction, you can say "I love you" a thousand times a day but it doesn't make it true. People aren't stupid...we know what love feels like. It will never do anyone an ounce of good for me to stand and proclaim my faith in Christ, "I'm a Christian", should never be the only sentence I speak to someone. I have to be willing to put my feet to walking out the love that is Christ and he will speak for himself.

A little bit of catch up...

I've not been to Blogger in awhile....blogging makes me sort my thoughts and examine myself...something I've been avoiding lately. With great success, I might add. However, after catching up on some blog reading today, I've discovered that I miss it! There's something liberating about letting it all go, the thoughts, emotions, moods that is freeing. With every word that flows out from my fingertips, one gets wiped off my slate up in here...I need my slate wiped regularly. :)

I'm hearing that the concert was a success. Good thing people are talkin' because for the most part, I have no idea what all went on that day. I stepped foot on those grounds at 8am that morning and tunnel vision set in. I set out to accomplish what was mine to accomplish and paid very little attention to anything else. I think I may have begun to breathe again about 10:30 that night. I've no idea how many miles I walked that day but I did decide that my cherished Converse weren't made to withstand that many steps, no matter how favorite they may be!

Awesome doesn't even begin to cover the people who showed up to help. Before I could get a request out of my mouth, someone was already doing it. I realized that day and since then, looking back, how completely blessed I am by the people in my life. They worked their butts off without compensation and without a complaint. They willingly donated their time and resources for the dream I had in my heart. I've not found adequate words to express my gratitude.

I expected chaos that day but was met with order instead. We had exactly two "instances". One: I decided I'd better figure out exactly where the breakers were that shut off the lights and make dang sure they weren't gonna zap any stage lights or equipment when I flipped them. Good news? I found them and no guitars were harmed in the flipping. The bad? They didn't come back on when I told them to. AND, the ugly...I flippped smooth out for the 1st ( & only!) time that day. I was due to open the doors in thirty minutes and I had no lights. Now,with it more than a week behind me, it doesn't seem like such a big deal...but I'm tellin ya...right then, it nearly cost me every ounce of my composure. God masterfully placed voices of reason all around me and they managed to calm me right back into place. As soon as my freak out moment ended, the lights began to warm back up and come back on. Whew...they were like the gym lights from grade school....takes em a bit to do their thing.

So Number Two was a bigger deal, yet, I handled it much more level headedly. Go figure. Somehow, the stage didn't get strapped together in all the proper places and when Kiros held their "boy band" dance contest, it began to come apart in the middle. The little guy who had the job of crawling under there and strapping it tight amid all the jumping and dancing, said it was quite scary looking up and seeing feet nearly coming thru on top of his head. The drummer was talking about it later.... Even tho he never seemed to miss a beat, he was having quite a time back there. The bass drum was falling into the seam and into his knee which made keeping rhythm quite challenging. "Things just kept moving toward me", he said. I told him I was sorry it happened, I kinda felt bad but he then told me stories of falling OFF stages when his stool leg would go thru the seam in the stage. For some reason, that made me feel better... :)

Taylor lost count at 331 when the stream of people began running thru the door so 500 is a rough estimate of how many we think were there. I stood at the back and watched for about a minute when Seventh Day Slumber took the stage...couldn't help myself and I just had to marvel at the crowd. The security team did a fantastic job...I was super impressed. In fact, I was just impressed, period. Even with having to clean a bathroom stall with puke all over it, I can say, it was an awesome night. I will definately be doing it again. Can't wait.

Gettin' there!

Wow...I can't believe my 47 day journey is coming to a close...and rapidly. It's been like a whirlwind around here lately. I'm feeling remarkably refreshed even tho my hair has got to be standing on end! I'm nervous, excited, apprehensive, expectant all in ONE. I can't wait and yet, I could, ya know? I'm thru the "scared out of my mind" phase, mostly, and have settled into the "well, if I fail now, it's gonna be a very public fall" phase. Things are starting to come together at lightning speed after a lull that would have had me eating my fingers to the last knuckle if I was a nail biting kinda girl. Thankfully, all my digits are intact. I'm always amazed at people and their willingness to give of their time and resources. For the most part, everyone I've turned to has extended a hand in whatever capacity they were able. I've had a few run in's that were just downright discouraging but thankfully, those were the exceptions and not the rule. I've been getting worked over in my problem areas of insecurity, rejection, and my "run away" syndrome. Typically, when something gets difficult or I get rejected 2 or 3 times, I throw a run away. I say "to heck with it" and just quit. Not an option this time around. See, I opened my big mouth and told everyone what I intended to do so how could I quit when, first rattle out of the box, I hit a big, fat NO to my plans? I couldn't...the prideful parts of me kept me putting one foot in front of the other...even when my head was hung and my tail was tucked. :) I can't wait until it's all over and I can look back and just see how all the pieces came together. Presently, I'm still in a scattered state but I'm trusting I'll have a surge of administrative abilities come Friday morning.

Josh has been great thru all this, an unexpected source of strength really. Money is one of his "issues" and I figured when he realized that, ultimately, the responsibility for all this would fall on our shoulders, I'd have to fight him tooth and nail. Not so. He's been supportive from day one even tho he's gone thru a dicontinued 401k match from his employer and he's no longer guaranteed a paid 40 hour work week. That's quite a lot to be thrown at this very anal and habitual man in a very short period of time. I've held my breath several times, waiting on an explosion but there's a quietness to his temperment lately that blesses me tremendously. Unusual, but I'm hoping it lasts. The older we get, the better we get along. But then again, that could all change tomorrow...

A Little of the Story...

I removed my blogger address from Facebook becuz I've decided that I don't want the whole world to know my innermost thoughts. I prefer a selective audience so this post showed up as a note over there:

I set out to end my life the first time in 1990. I was 13. I tried again at 15. I desperately wanted to be dead. I couldn’t find a reason to live but I learned to put on happy faces and pretend everything was ok. I wore many masks back then, changed personalities to fit where I was and who I was around. I learned what to say and how to say it so that no one worried about me. But I was drinking, doing drugs, and doing whatever else would numb the pain and help me forget who I was for awhile. Death consumed my thoughts most days. I remember standing at the bottom of the grain towers in the little town I lived in, looking up and thinking, “If I jump, no one could stop me then.” I walked a dark, dead end road for many years. Hopelessness was killing me.

A couple of years ago, a song playing on the radio caught my attention. Music has been a life line for me for as far back as I can remember. When nothing or no one else can, it consoles the darkest parts of me, the “slums of my soul”. This song was one of those. I felt like it could have been written just for me…I wanted to know who was singing it. I’d never heard of Seventh Day Slumber before but I became a fan that day. So, when I heard they were playing a concert in Broken Bow, I felt almost compelled to be there. The music was awesome but what blew me away was what the lead singer had to say. He stood there on the stage and told his story to a crowd of all ages, a story of a broken home, of being a social outcast, of drug addiction, hopelessness, and attempted suicide. I didn’t expect it and I certainly never expected that this successful musician, this guy who had it all “together”, could have once been as badly screwed up as I was. He was real and I identified with his story in more ways than I cared to admit. The message he brought that night was one of restoration and of hope. It was a message I needed to hear and I left there with a desire for more people to hear it, too.

The more I look around me, the more young people I see with the same hopeless eyes I once had. I guess because I’ve walked that road and I know the pain that is still inside in so many ways, I have such compassion for these kids. I’m troubled by the hurt and the brokenness I see all around me. I’m ready to see a change…I want to see these lives filled with hope, love, and LIFE. And that’s just exactly where the vision began for this Friday night.

By the grace of God, I’m alive and more than that, I’m happy to have LIFE. I have been blessed with three children and ironically, my two oldest are now 13 and 15. I watch them and see the whole world in front of them. They’re just beginning. I wonder how I could have been so convinced I had nothing to live for at such an early age.

The line from the song that stuck in my head and spoke to my heart that day was this one: “I know it seems like there’s no hope for you, but I know your life is worth more than you can see.” I needed to hear that I was WORTH something during those years of my life, that I mattered. And that’s the word of encouragement I want to pass on to anyone in a hopeless state: You’re here on purpose and your life counts, so somehow, make your way to this concert. It’s free…you got nothin’ to lose.

It' s amazing anymore how fast time is flying by. I mean, I know time has always seemed to get away from me but this is just flat ridiculous! Taylor said to me the other day, "Gosh, Mom, my freshman year is almost over...that went by FAST." I thought, now wait a minute....NO one's torturous freshman year is allowed to just be over that fast...that was the ONE year in my life I wouldn't repeat for any amount of fortune and fame and it seemed to last three lifetimes. No FAIR! But that's just it...life IS flying by and even my slightly self absorbed child is noticing. Oh well, reckon I haven't much choice but to hang on to what I can. You know it's bad when I'm thrilled to get 20 minutes of free time and I choose to use it scrubbing the bath tub...oh, it's SO bad!

I thought I may have killed the slightly self absorbed child Sunday....have I mentioned I'm a bit of a drama queen tho? Taylor came to me with a headache and asked me for Tylenol...I told her my purse was in the car and to go see. Now, a little fleeting thought came into my mind at this point that perhaps, I should have her bring me the bottle but, I was otherwise engaged and dismissed the thought almost immediately. About an hour later, I asked her how her head was. When she looked at me, she didn't look quite right and she said, "It's worse and I'm dizzy. Mom, where did you get that blue and white Tylenol? I've never seen any like that before." Well, I had to swallow my heart back down into my chest....I suddenly remembered my "secret"stash of three diet pills at the bottom of a bottle of ibuprofen. I asked her, "WHAT??? Taylor, were there no orange pills in that bottle??? You took a diet pill!!" She said no, no orange pills and the panic must have been pretty clear in my eyes because at that point, she began to cry. Oh, I felt like such a lousy mom! "What are they going to DO to me?", she asked. My head was racing and I couldn't think clearly...I truly had NO idea what they would do to her. It was at this point that she informed me she'd taken TWO of the pills. After all, she takes two Tylenol at a time. I could have died. I almost cried. The triage nurse on duty at the hospital I called was really helpful...after I explained the situation to her, her earth shattering response to me was, "You need to call a pediatrician." If they come out with an iPhone that has an application for slapping the absolute crap out of the person on the other end...I'm havin one. These are the days when I wonder how we ever made it without Google and the world wide web and smart phones. My common sense began to return to me after skimming thru several web articles on overdosing on amphetamines. It's sad, sad that I can recount experiences where I overdosed on PURPOSE when I was even younger than Taylor is now. But, fact is, I did, I took a whole lot more than Taylor had taken and, I lived. I knew she was going to be okay but that didn't make me feel any better about the whole thing.

Needless to say, she was higher than a kite for a few hours and sleep was pretty much nonexistent for her Sunday night and she was still incessantly licking at her lips yesterday afternoon (I thought she may well eat them off her face) but, she's alive. And the two of us have learned some valuable lessons. I need to be a somewhat more alert mother and we've decided that proper labeling is really important and Taylor has decided that she never EVER wants to take a diet pill again. Thank goodness...I'd rather her not battle like I have. "WHY would anyone want to feel this way on PURPOSE??", she asked. Why, indeed.

Less than two weeks to go til SDS plays in Poteau. I'm finally moving to the relaxed end of stressed and enjoying myself...but that could change in a second. Especially if my stage happens to fall through! I'm hoping this is enough of a pleasant experience that I'll wanna do it once a year. We'll see how the world looks on April 24th.

I'm still fighting food...not as aggressively but it's still a war, nevertheless. I win some days, go down in shame and defeat others, but the good news is, I still rise again the next morning! I figure I'm doin pretty good.

Success!! All systems GO! Yay.

Hello mobile blogging! Testing...

Tracker, music, and food!

Allergy season has kicked off...my little one is waking up with his eyes glued completely shut, once again. A couple of years ago, on such a morning, he could only get one eye to open. Now, Tracker is not a morning person...in any way, shape, or form...he's awful. Cranky, hateful...ugh. I stand over him, watch him sleeping, and sigh deeply before I begin the process of getting him onto his feet. It's just that bad. So on this morning, when he couldn't get his eye to open he began screaming, "I can't SEE, I can't SEE...MOM, my EYE isn't WORKING!". And well, I got tickled and couldn't quit laughing...just added to his fury. "It's NOT funny...I CANT SEEEEEEE!". I laugh even now...he got so mad at me, he lunged to take me out and his eye popped open. He calmed right down once he could see with both eyes. I don't know what set of my genes mingled just right with Josh's to create that child, but I'm glad we only did it once. I'd never survived if they all three were this way. Tracker has got to be the only person in the world who can reduce me to tears of fury and frustration one minute and then, once he's realized he's pushed to the very edge of my limit, morph into the most loving little thing ever. He's one of a kind...thank goodness.

Should have the flyers for the concert in my hands by tomorrow. Then begins phase two of the process....finding donors. This is a task I never look forward to. I don't know why it bothers me so bad to be turned down...but it DOES. It hits me in a personal way, hits every rejection button I have and there's no doubt, I will find some no's in my journeys. All part of the process...breaking me out of my "dancing for quarters", people pleasing ways. Sort of like tempering steel, I reckon...it's gotta go thru fire before it's ready. This is an area where I wish I were my little sister...she just don't give a damn. Never has...like her or leave her..she's goin on. I've always admired people who can shrug it all off and carry on. Maybe one day I'll get to the bottom of why what other people think affects me so much....

I'm on my final week of phase one of this eating makeover too...then I have 3 weeks of an Atkins/Southbeach type thing...hopefully, I don't have to repeat the cycle after that. They say, after this 9 weeks, my hypothalumus will be "reset". Whatever that means. I just hope it happens!! The pounds aren't coming off as fast as the inches and that's something I've never understood but I just go with it. If I focused on those scales every day and the fact that they're NOT moving nearly fast enough, I'm afraid I'd be in a hopeless state of depression. Screw that...it's too nice outside for depression! A new season...at long last!