On the drive to work yesterday, I was thinking about the day that was ahead of me and wondering what just might be in store for me. I do this alot, not exactly sure why. I never get as far in processing as to actually go thru possible scenarios...just a broad sense of "I wonder" goes thru my head. The way I got it figured, if I made it to another sunrise, I should make the day count. I try to keep my eyes open for opportunities to just make a difference in someone's life... if only in a minuscule way.
I love people, I really do. I'm a people watcher (no, that's NOT the same thing as a stalker!). I just notice things....what people wear, the things they say, their expressions. Women are especially fascinating. We all have our own sense of style from the clothes we put together, to the way we accessorize ourselves, the shoes we choose, the hair we wear, the way we talk, walk, write, and laugh. Some of us are very thoughtful in the way we put ourselves together, meticulous and polished, while others of us seem to be able to throw it all together and be just as fabulous. Amazing creations is what we are.
A few years back, I attended a women's conference in OKC. Beth Moore was the speaker so, of course, the women of Oklahoma, Kansas, Texas and more turned out in full force! Before the lights were dimmed, I happened to take a look around the arena. I had to appreciate the view: about 15,000 seats, from floor to ceiling, and in a complete 360 degrees was nothing but women and girls. All ages, races, and every shape and size was represented in that place. Every color I've ever seen was displayed in the clothes we were all wearing. Then, as the conference ended for the night and everyone was leaving, (and me, being the people watcher I am) I couldn't resist turning around when I got down to the lobby just to take a look. It was a literal sea of women, streaming down the escalators, into the lobby, and out the door, very fluid and smooth and calm. Not loud or rude or pushy, no visible irritation at the time it was taking to get out the door. Not at all like what you see if you're brave enough to hit the "day after Thanksgiving" sale at Walmart!! It was a beautiful sight.
Dunno what point I was trying to make with all that but what I mean to get across is that, I'm an observer. In all my travels, this trait has brought some awesome opportunities my way: to help people out and hopefully, to have made a difference in the lives of others. My life has been full of "down & out" moments but there has never failed to be a "someone" who just "happens" to come along and help me get on my feet and back on track. I figure it's my duty, for sure, to step up when I can but mostly, I just want to.
However (there's always one of those, isn't there?), there are times when I'd just really rather not. Yesterday brought about one of these times. I looked up to see a face I just didn't rightly care to engage with walkin into my office. It's not that I even know the woman all that well, can probably count on one hand the words we've exchanged. I do know OF her tho and that I got firsthand. She started a really horrible and completely untrue rumor about me when I was a senior. I was all of 17 at the time and she was close to 40. Why any grown woman would want to terrorize a teenager is beyond my scope of comprehension now, I sure couldn't understand it back then. But, whatever...it happened, broke my heart, but also defined what true friendship was. Those few (very few) who were my friends stood beside me and all the impostors were exposed. Maybe I should be grateful but it still sucked. So much, that I don't want to even go into it now for fear that I will hate her guts again. Blech.
Back to yesterday...I'm face to face with her, there's no one here but me so I'm knowin' I gotta, but screamin' inside, "I don't wanna!". Funny how life brings you such situations. I'm to a point in life that, if I'm not happy to see you, I'm not gonna fall all over myself pretending to be thrilled and makin' small talk. "Can I help you?", was the best I could do. She needed her propane cylinders refilled and when I'm the only one around...guess who gets the privilege? Right. So, while I'm wrestling the bottles outta the back of her truck, I'm wrestling with myself in my mind and I began to have a conversation in my mind. I went back and forth and over and under the completely snotty way I was behaving toward her and the fact that I felt quite justified in it. I tend to retreat behind some reinforced walls when I've been hurt by someone. It's quite obvious too: I avoid eye contact, speak quietly and only when necessary, answer in one-syllable words when asked questions and do it all with just enough attitude to let the person know that it's not because I'm shy. It's a shameful display and I executed it shamelessly.
And then, I looked at her face. I mean, really looked at her face, and what I saw kinda hurt my heart. I saw a woman who's life is catching up with her and time hasn't been kind to. Someone who hasn't got a real friend in the world, and deep down, she knows it. Suddenly, I felt like a toad. A really ugly, slimy, heartless, wart covered toad. Ugh! WHY do I have to have a conscience? How come I hafta care about people...especially those who have gossip-filled mouths that hurt other people??? Dangit.
So, I swallowed my self-righteous, high and mighty, "right to treat you like dirt because you started it" pride parade and asked her how she's been. Those first few words were hard, but it got easier. She immediately went into telling me things about people I had no business knowing (true to form..lol!) but I was able to shut that down peacefully and steer the conversation elsewhere. She opened up and told me some of the hardship going on in her life and I truly had compassion for her. (wow'd even me) She stayed for quite awhile...I think sometimes we just need to be heard by someone and when you stumble upon a willing listener, well, it just all kinda comes flyin' out. I saw her in a different light. Not as the malicious, rumor spreadin', trouble maker I'd always labeled her, but just as a person who is insecure about the mistakes her past holds and desperate to cover them up anyway possible, even if it hurts another. And a woman with a heavy load to carry, no one to help her with it, and no one even to just lean on sometimes.
It was a pretty humbling experience for me. Just served to prove that all the junk that I'm seeing in a person is just really the outward symptom of something that's really wrong on the inside. Maybe I shouldn't decide who someone is based on my first encounter with them...maybe it's the second or third time around that you really get to the heart of someone. I think that all of us, given the opportunity of a second chance, really want to do better the second time. I still had a choice to make about her tho. And I decided I have been given too many chances to deny another theirs.
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