So far, so good...

Well, I made it to and thru my 32nd birthday! It was a great day filled with greetings from just about everywhere...California, Colorado, Alabama, Iowa, South Dakota, Nebraska, the good ol' Sooner State too... I'm a blessed person, indeed to have so many great people around! Makes getting older more tolerable for sure!

The weekend flew like they all do. Josh & I went for breakfast Saturday morning while the kiddos slept in. We sometimes forget what adult conversation with out any "MOM!" or "Hey, Dad" intrusions is like. We waited too long for some not so great food but I really liked just hangin' out with him.

I had a great time with some of the girls on Saturday nite. We're all so busy livin' our lives that we never get to hang out anymore, maybe once or twice a year so I really enjoyed it. The time went by sooooo fast tho! Before I knew it, it was 3:30 in the morning...I got home around 4. I drug myself outta bed about 8:30 yesterday morning and could tell that I really am 32 years old. There's a major difference in how my brain and body handle late nites now as compared to ten years ago!! Felt like someone had thrown a good handful of sand in my eyes and I couldn't seem to find any gear but really, really slow. But, by 9 o' clock last nite, I'd gotten my second wind and couldn't sleep. Bizarre. So, I watched 17 Again instead. Cute movie but not one I'd watch twice.

The weather is just perfect. This time of year makes me miss livin in Nebraska. Even on summer nites, you could get away with wearin' a sweatshirt and a pair of jean shorts....my favorite outfit of all time. Just wish flip flops had been cool back then! They were still called 'thongs' back then, came in black and brown only,they were ugly, cheap, and I'da been laughed right outta town. I still can't get my mother to stop callin' flip flops THONGS!! Ugh...that song ruined that word forever. I love the fact that I can have a pair to match any shirt I own and not go broke buyin' em. Now, if they'd just price Converse comparably, I'd be a happy girl.

Not holdin' my breath...but for now, I'm just thrilled that it feels like FALL outside!! I'm ready to go for a drive and check out the red, orange, and gold trees and decorate my front porch with pumpkins again....to fill up the house with cinnamon and patchouli smells...to build a fire (ok, that one gets old quick)....and to make chili and cornbread again. I LOVE this time of year...wish it lasted longer.

My husband always disappears this time of year...into the woods he goes. Sometimes I see him....but mostly, just evidence OF him. They're opening a bear season down here this year...there are black bears EVERYWHERE right now. He has tons of pictures of one he's found...pretty big for a black bear. Josh turns into a little kid again when he sees the darn thing! He's watched him for too long, don't think he'll go thru with the hunt. We'll see... They really are becoming a nuisance for some folks around these parts tho...and they're gettin really friendly with some houses. Inviting themselves in and everything.

I could never shoot a bear. I think they're just pretty darn awesome...I love to look at them. When I lived in Colorado, they were everywhere. There was a momma and two cubs that used to come right down behind our house and dig in the dumpster. They brought out the crowds for sure...but we all maintained a healthy distance. The little fat, furry babies would climb up the trees and wait to see what their mom was gonna dig out for 'em. Adorable.

I had the priveledge of holding a little cub not long ago. I was in love the minute I saw him....I'm completely senseless when it comes to baby anythings :)!! I wanted one sooooo bad....but what the heck do you do when it becomes a 400 pound bear??? Better leave the bear raisin' to the experts before someone gets eaten.

I've been a fake...

I was driving home last nite listening to Matthew & Taylor tell me about their day @ school. I always have the radio on and last nite it was turned down kinda low, could barely hear it. But I'm drivin along, half listening to the kids, half lost in my own thoughts and I realized I was singin along to this song but didn't really recognize what I was singing. So I started payin' attention to the words that I somehow KNEW, but didn't know, if that makes any sense. By the second line in the chorus I was just nearly broken, and it was fixin' to run out my eyes but I didn't want to freak the teenagers smooth out. I listened to the rest of the song trying to keep my face hidden with my hair (my signature sign that I don't want to talk about it!).

It's funny how words alone just never seem to do justice to what I'm feeling inside, yet, set to music, those same words will cause me to stare in awe at my stereo thinkin, "How could they have known what's trapped in here?". I think it gives me an avenue for expressing what I don't really know how to get out of me. Dunno if that makes sense to anyone else, but it's absolutely crystal clear to me.

For every season of my life, every trial, every troubled time, it seems that eventually, I happen upon a song that speaks deeply to me. It's been this way thru out my life for as far back as I can remember. That was this song for the season Josh and I have been in.

I used to think that my marriage had to be "perfect", at least on the outside. I worked hard to make sure that no one saw how much we struggled just to hold it together, how hard it was, most days, for us to even be nice to each other. I hid things from myself,even, refusing to look at the huge mess my relationship with Josh was. "I'm rejecting this reality and substituting my own" became my life status. Denial is only good until you can no longer buy it. Neither of us was happy and we were sick to death of fakin' it for everyone else. So began the marital revolution... The big 'D' word was thrown back and forth with many obscenities to decorate it. We both threatened to file and dared the other to do it first. Yet, at the end of the day, when all was quiet, and our tempers had left us exhausted, neither one of us wanted to be apart. More than any ounce of dignity & justice we feel we're entitled to, we made a promise we want to honor and we truly do love each other. So, we made an agreement to try harder then we'd ever before and there is where the uphill climb really began.

I'm not gonna' lie, it's been hell. There were too many times when we both knew it would be so much easier to throw in the towel and move on. It's so tempting at times to resort to the old patterns and start the mud slingin' fest all over again. I just keep tellin' myself that all that mud and hate hasn't fixed anything in almost 14 years, why not try something new? It's been the toughest battle I've ever fought. I think Josh would agree and we both know it's not over yet.

In these times that are so often dismal from the inside looking out, I appreciate a glimmer of hope when one comes my way. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick..." (Prov. 13:12a) My heart has been feelin' a little under the weather lately and it did my mind and heart some good to hear this song. Lets me know that we aren't the only ones who feel like we could fill an ocean with all the heartache we've been thru' and that there really is light at the end of this tunnel.


"If love is an ocean wide, we'll swim in the tears we've cried. They'll see us thru to the other side. We're gonna make it!"

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life."

All the Small Things...

A bottle of Dasani, spearmint Lifesavers, and the smell of Scentsy....life is good this morning. It's all the little things that make it all worthwhile!! Facebook, however, is bein' a royal pain....not cooperating with me. AND, I'm still itchy and it's gettin' worse.

The excitement and newness of the whole "back to school" routine is wearing off and the crankiness is settin' in. Tracker found a list of excuses as long as his arm for why he couldn't take a bath last nite before bed :). Amusing to hear all the reasonings of a six year old boy who has an aversion to water when soap and shampoo is involved. I've never known a kid like him. If he'd been the first, he'd a been the last!! I love him to pieces, but he wears me OUT..mentally as well as physically. So, we "agreed" that he'd hit the tub first thing this morning. He stumbled from the bed to the bathroom mumbling about nothin' bein' fair and not gettin a "good sleep". I'm not sure he ever opened his eyes at all. I saw that he was in and I was off to flip pancakes. When I went in to check, he was sound asleep in his bubbles. So, in true big sister fashion, Taylor ran to get the camera. He'll be furious when he sees the picture! Oh well, too late!!!

Tomorrow's FRIDAY...yay!! I'm ready for it...beyond ready. And! I grab another gear tomorrow as well...I'll be 32. Wow...that sounds so old! I don't feel old. And the saying is, "I think, therefore I am, right?? Well, I think I'm still 25 so... I must be! (and I wonder where Tracker gets his reasoning skills...hmmm.)

Mr. Hyde???? Noooo, that's my MOM!!

Why is it that being a parent seems to simultaneously, at times, bring out both the best and the worst of you? It's true, I believe, that you never really understand what love is until you hold your child[ren] for the first time. You would give all you are, all you have, and all you ever hope to be for them and never give it a second thought. They teach us what self-less love really is simply because they exist. They become our "center". We do our best to teach them about life (hopefully as much as they teach us), correct them when they get it wrong, try to model how to do it right, encourage them to chase their hopes and dreams, and protect them with every ounce of strength we have. And then.... they start school.

I don't like bullies. No, it would be an understatement to say that I really, really, really, supremely HATE it when people push other people around simply becuz they're bigger, louder, meaner, RUDER...all that junk. Could be cuz I was the object of many a bully's attention in grade school. Yeah, that's definitely why I have such an intolerance for it. It's amazing how those memories stick with ya...I may have forgotten what I got for Christmas when I was 8, but I can describe to you, in great detail, the snotty brat that was jackin' with me at that time.

So, I have talked to my little maggots about never, EVER being mean or teasing or pickin' on other kids since they started daycare and could understand the words that were comin' out of my mouth. I just ASSUMED all parents had this talk with their children, that we all, now that we're adults, understand that this behavior is wrong and that it scars people! WRONG! I was wrong, very wrong.

I don't consider myself to be of a volatile nature. I'm not mean or violent, not prone to regular fits of rage, not an unruly sort. I'm easy to get along with, I'm a happy camper, dangit. BUT! I've discovered that I can go from "happy-go-lucky" to anyone's worst nightmare in about two seconds flat when it's my kids that are bein' jacked with. I'm pretty sure my eyes glow red and my hair stands on end too. It happens so fast, I've scared myself a few times.... my poor, poor kiddos... :) I morph with pretty much no warning.

I'm not proud of it, either. Not proud of the fact that, last week, I told my six year old to "knock his d#$%! teeth out the next time he even DARES to push you!". Not proud that the whole thing made me so mad my face was blazin' red, I was screamin' & hollerin' about what I'd like to do to that kid's parents for not raisin' him better, and I'm pretty sure you could have heard my heart beat from five yards. Not proud that it took me a good 15 minutes to regain my composure.

It all ended well, thankfully. Only by the grace of God, I reckon, have I raised balanced children who handle opposition far more gracefully than their mother manages to. Tracker finally had to get physical, but once he did, it was all over with. And he did it all so calmly...its amazing the things that I learn from my kids! It's just hard for a momma to step aside and let her little ones learn that the world is FULL of people who are just dead set on causin' someone trouble and even harder to not just step right IN and handle it for them. Yeah, I got no problem takin' on a 1st grader! (Nah...I surely hope I have more of a grip on sanity than that!!!) One of these days I will learn to keep my mouth shut until they COME to me for help.....maybe.

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell"

Ah, Wednesday. Means 5 o'clock, Friday is almost in sight. Good thing too, I'm wore smoooooth OUT. Ready for a couple days out of this confinement I call a schedule. Good gosh, is a mom's work ever done?? All this risin' and shinin' at 5:30 in the morning (okay, 6:10, usually) and not hittin' the bed again until 11 or later is catchin up with this momma. But how else do you get it all done in a day?

To make matters more tiring, I have been waking up around 3 every morning itchy. I mean ITCHY. My arms and legs, mostly. I could seriously scratch until there is no skin left. Annoying, to say the least and enough to drive a sleep deprived woman over the edge. No itchiness during the day...only in the middle of the night. Grrr. So, I googled my problem yesterday and found a variety of possibilities...none of which were very comforting. The things that sleep with us and are beyond our scope of vision....ugh, I shudder now just thinking about the pictures I saw. Little skin chewing, repulsive creatures that I didn't know really existed. "Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite." What a cute, sweet, fairy-tale type saying. Never imagined it was a reality. Until yesterday, that is. Google it, I dare you but prepare yourself for the horror of what you'll find....

Now, rationally, I know that since all this itching only began a couple of weeks ago it has to be more than a sudden invasion of a bed bug infantry. According to the information I gathered about them, we've all (meaning you too!) been good n cozy with them all our lives. I change the sheets on my bed quite often, flip and rotate the mattress as directed even. These routines may help but will not altogether stop the bugs from prowlin' around in your bed. They're after blood, not your dirty sheets. Ugh! This newly acquired knowledge, however, did NOT stop me from ripping every shred of linen off the beds when I got home yesterday and hot water-lysol-bleaching every thread like a tweakin' crack fiend and then runnin' em thru' the dryer on the hottest setting even long after they were dry. (FRY, ya little nasty things, fry!) Didn't stop me from lysol-bleaching the mattresses and box springs either. Oh, and the pillows and even the curtains ( just to be on the safe side) got a good dousing too. So, we most definitely slept sanitarily if not chemically intoxicated last nite. Gas masks for everyone!! When I'm on a roll, it's hard to stop me. (P.S. I didn't find even ONE of these allegedly common critters during my deep cleaning spree but I felt better, nonetheless.)

I did not wake up itchy at 3...yay! But seriously...I know this is not the source. I'm the only one being affected and it makes no sense that bed bugs would be choosy about whom they wish to devour or that they would suddenly, after years and years of residing with me, find my skin so appealing.

So, I wonder....can one suddenly become allergic to soaps, shampoos, detergents, softeners? I've used the same ones for years, doesn't add up. But I did change detergent about a week ago, just to be sure. No cigar, the itching continued.

Next ponder: could I be having an abrupt change in my hormonal balances which could be causing my skin to crawl?? I'm sure my hormones change on a daily basis, considering my mood swings, but since some mornings I awake to very small, red, rash like marks on my skin, I'm thinkin' that's not it either.

"Is it stress related?", I've asked myself. For pete's sake, my life has certainly been more stressful than it is now so how can that be? "Am I losing my ever-lovin' mind?", I have even wondered. Especially after my adventures last night...can you say obsessive compulsive disorder five times, fast??

I'm at a loss, an absolute loss. I am grateful for my almost uninterrupted night of sleep tho'. I shall continue on, hopeful that if the culprit was some sort of chewing organism, it was blasted off the face of the earth by the spray bottles of chemicals that are my arsenal.

Driving Under the Influence of.....Texting

I feel utterly lost without a device I'd never even heard of 15 years ago.... freakin' cell phones!! I may lock my keys in my car every now and then, may even make it all the way to the check out at walmart without my wallet, but you can bet I will have my cell phone in my hand. It's as much a pain in the butt as it is convenient.

I find it funny that it doesn't bother me one bit to ignore an actual call if I'm tied up and can't get to it, but a text hits that inbox and it'll drive me crazy until I can reply. Dunno if I'd go as extreme as the little diagram above, however, and talk2text just doesn't hold the same appeal to me. I like the typing part of text messaging! Besides, I'm not too sure how a computer would translate half the words I use...no tellin what it'd look like I said. My husband despises text messaging with a passion. He'll have no part of it and if ever left alone with my phone, I suspect he'd rip every button with a letter on it off.

I'm trying desperately to break my really, REALLY horrible habit of texting while driving. I know, I know...its so dangerous and not just to me and my carload either. It took someone almost plowin' ME over last week to convince me tho'.

I wasn't even texting, had looked down to skip ahead on my Lecrae CD (awesome tunes, btw). When I focused again on the road...well, what I shoulda' seen was the road, what I saw instead was a set of headlights, flashing hazards, and a FORD emblem headed straight for me. But I was still on my side of the yellow lines! It's amazing how many things can go thru your mind in a split second. I was confused initially...I'm used to seeing tailights ahead, not headlights! It was a "whoa. Now, wait just a second here..." moment. An 8th of a moment? Cuz then I looked to my left and realized the other lane was full of traffic and that this maniac had no where to go even if he/she suddenly became aware that they were in the WRONG FREAKIN' LANE and were fixin' to, at the very least, severly mangle some cars, mine bein 1st in line. (I never saw a face but I'm gonna go with my gut & say this person was of the male gender.) So, as I glanced to the left I immediately thought, "No hope he's goin' that way", and steered right and onto the shoulder hopin' he didn't decide to try to go around me on my side of the road when he realized there was no getting back over. In that second, I also remember thinking, "Oh! I am SO lookin in my rearview mirror and gettin' that tag number!!!". As I did, I saw that the line of cars behind me had also done the same with this triple x wanna be stunt man and that he had just nearly taken out the lead car in the line of traffic he was flyin' around. Didn't get the tag number, but at that point, I was just happy to be alive! Maybe the guy he nearly side swiped got it before he sped outta sight. It all went down in less than 30 seconds, way less I imagine. So, in the five seconds it took to replay that whole scene in my head, the adrenaline rush began to subside and then I realized just how close I'd come to a head on collision....I didn't know whether to cuss or cry. Scared me to think of just how narrowly I'd escaped what surely would have been one heck of a mess. I hope those flashers meant there truly was an emergency somewhere that warranted him taking a chance on pickin up the tab on ambulance rides for everyone!

So anyway, I'm pretty sure that guy wasn't texting and driving either but near death experiences (yes, I DID feel as tho I got real up close and personal with death that day) tend to make you value life a little more than you did before. I've decided to keep my phone out of arms' reach during my travels. Good for me, good for my passengers, good for all who travel the same roads I travel!

Open WIDE the door...here comes the drama!!

I feel like I've been riding the tail of a tornado for the past week...perhaps today will be the beginning of normalcy for me??? Whatever normal IS for this family...it varies from day to day.

Taylor started high school on Wednesday. I knew THAT part was coming but the fact that she gave me a whoppin' two day "heads up" on the fact that she wanted to go to a different high school than the one we had enrolled her in was a little unexpected. Thus began the beginning of the tail spin... Leflore High was where her dad went, I attended the school sporadically during my hiatuses from good ol' Gordono Beach. Leflore High is only seven miles (yes, pretty much exact) from my driveway. Leflore High runs a bus to and from my driveway. Leflore elementary is where her baby brother goes to school. In a nutshell, Leflore High was gonna be an answer to some simplicity in my life!!! In my 14 plus years of being Taylor's mom, you'd think I'd have learned that nothing with this child is simple. On Tuesday, one day before school starts, after some reasoning, a little bit of debate, and not a ton of thought about how I'm gonna pull this all off, we took the grand tour of Kinta High (and did a drive by of the elementary since its all right there together). I have to admit, I was smitten by the tiny little school with its homey feel and country appeal. There are only 197 student enrolled, K thru 12, I like this! I was more than happy to hear that Taylor would be offered two foreign languages, Art I & II, Speech & Drama, Humanities, as well as our SE Oklahoma staple electives, Ag 1-4, Home Ec (goes by a new name that I can't ever remember) 1-4, and of course, Athletics (yes, this IS a regular part of the daily curriculum down here....). So, we signed on. Problem 1: solved. All is, once again, right in Taylorville...

Problem 2: Kinta is close to 50 miles from where I live. FIFTY MILES!! All is NOT right in this world over here...the Mom's Free Taxi Service world. This is an anxiety attack waiting to happen! Fortunately, there is a van that picks the kids up about 12 miles from our house and transports them to and from the Land of Far, Far Away. And, as life would have it, I have to travel that 12 miles everyday anyway to drop Matthew off at Fanshawe Elementary. This will be his final year there and then he too will be off to Kinta. Problem 2: solved (yay!).

Problem 3: Tracker! Enough said? Not quite...lol. Have you ever just met a teacher and known it wouldn't be a good thing to have your child under her care for the better part of a year?? *Let the record show that I am not, for one second, insinuating that the woman is not a good teacher. However, after the two of my children who are the most docile, most well mannered, most well behaved of the three struggled to get along with her, I am quite sure that my little heathen baby boy would most certainly drive her to the brink of retirement, possibly even insanity. After much thought, I decided it would just be best that she not have Tracker for the next 2 years (she teaches 1st and 2nd). SO...since Kinta isn't an option for him this year because the van doesn't drop kids off until about 5:30 and that would mean him driving his sister crazy for two hours until time to come home, Tracker is a 1st grader at Leflore! Yes, that's right, all three kids attending three different schools is the only solution to Problem #3!!!

I don't know if I'm nuts, have too much confidence in my ability to handle stress, or just a glutton for punishment.....the jury's still out, but I am hoping for the best for all of them. The past couple of years haven't gone so pretty hot, we NEED a good one! Josh still works away from home, I'm just a single mom who happens to be married, so somehow, some way, these offspring and I have got to keep it all together!! Luckily, they're fairly adept at dealing with their momma when she has her "crazy days". I also have some pretty fantastic friends who were more than happy to help me with the Trackman til I get off work.

Today is the beginning of the first full week of school (that makes it a dang Monday), I made my 40 mile route, getting everyone to school on time and made it to work....ON TIME, an incredible feat for me without the new school circuit. Taylor did have to get ME outta bed this morning tho. Good thing we take turns being the responsible one...